The Inner Albatross: Part 4

Posted by Saurangshu Kanunjna | Posted in | Posted on 1:01 AM

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Anvisha is my younger sister’s friend.… I meet her for the first time in Kol…. When she was visiting her elder brother’s place….. since then we came across each other on and off 3-4 times.. But didn’t interact much…. As those meeting were generally very short.... We never really spoke in length during those meeting… till the time when we meet again in Delhi… I still clearly remember that night… it was my nephew’s b’day party at my sis’s Gurgoan flat…. She also came and was suppose to stay back…. That was the time when we interacted in length… I remember after dinner, we both decided to take a walk to grab some ice cream, we did the “walk the talk” and shared many details… though I was the dominant speaker, but she too opened up a bit …. The problem with anvisha has always been that she is slightly reserved…. She is an extremely good listener, but pathetic when it comes to open up and speak her mind….. So I was the one who was doing bulk of talking…. Since then we started communicating regularly……… either she would drop me a sms or we would chat online, at time would call each other… slowly but steadily we found loads of similarities and common stuff to talk about… and with time we become good friend…. The icing in the cake was when she moved to gurgaon after getting a job…. That was the time when we really came close…..
I don’t know why with her there was difference….. I generally don’t allow any woman to rule me… rule my thoughts, rule my mind and heart…. Anvisha was one such woman….with whom I started being what I am.. she is kiddish yet she is matured, she is funny at the same time she is strict… she is soft and she is rough… she is stubborn and yet she is understanding…. She is complete fun to be but at the same time she is sensitive… she is emotional and she is stable…. She is a baby, a girl, a lady, a woman…. Anvisha.. I really don’t know how to make you understand what she is…. With her around I forget all my problem and tension, she brings a positive energy… seeing her smile, crib, cry makes my day……… as we came closer I could see multiple personalities of her….. at one point she would behave like a little baby and the very next minute she would fight over nothing…. You never know when the moods swing in which direction…you need to on your toes with her.. coz the every minute she could be happy and the very next minute she could be bored with the whole thing… And how can I forget a complete foody.. she though don’t eat much but still love to eat non-veg food….. “delhi walo ki khoon main chicken basa hua rehta hai”….
It’s strange how human mind work… in the initial phase I never had any expectation from the relation I was developing but as we came close… don’t know why, when and how I started thinking in a line which was dangerous…. We become very good friend and that was the point when I started thinking that we could be more than friends….. and most often than not that’s the mistake we do… I hardly knew her for few months and I started seeing my ideal woman in her…. What I did was I probably subconsciously started setting an expectation standard…… had I not done that probably I would not felt the pain when I came to know that she is already “committed”….. the Line between friendship and the next step is very very thin… we never really realize when we cross it…. I had to take my step back but probably by that time it was too late…….
But does her being committed restricts me from loving her or reduces my love and expectation from her…. I don’t think so… I still love her and will do so…. It doesn’t matter what is the relationship… the feeling matters to me……. I never let her know my feeling for her… but I m sure he also knows that I love her……….. irrespective of the relationship we share… we both love each other and probably that’s what we call “Best Friends”……. She understands me and I can from her tone and words tell u whether she is upset or angry or something is bothering her……… she can guess my mood by my voice and way I speak….. Doesn’t that prove the understanding we share…… I love to fulfill all her wishes…..all her demand…. Even if it means when she say come and meet me in Delhi… no matter what’s my monitory condition I do travel… coz I know that will make her happy and that’s the world for me. …. When she demands me to come and have lunch with her… no matter how important meeting I have or even if I have work to be done….. I do go and have lunch with her… juz to make her happy…. I don’t mind to work late but I cant say No to her… no way…… its not that I don’t hurt in the whole process or don’t have expectations… I do have.. its juz that I never let expectation overpower my love for her……. so when she is with a group of people, or with her BF if she forgets to call me or reply to smses… I do feel the pain.. may get really upset… but then with time I do realize there are other priorities too.. and I never make an issue out of it….. I love it when she gets possessive for me…… but I never show my possessive feeling……. She might not have time for me at times…specially when she is with her loved ones… but that no way means I am not important….and hence even though at times it hurts and pains I never make and issue out of it and try to be demanding……. The whole point is… I try and make sure that my expectation doesn’t overpower my love for me…. Expectation will surely be there… that’s but obvious…..but one need to know how to control expectation……automatically u will see you will have more control over the relation…… I belive a relationship goes through a turmoil when the load of expectation grows up… when we start to take things for granted and start expecting in a particular way…..what we forget is to be flexible with our expectation and desire……. I adjusted my expectation when it came to anvisha…. Coz for me anvisha as anvisha is more important than anvisha as my life partner or GF……. For me she as a person is the most important things…….
“ Ha Raj main anvisha ki hi baat kar raha hu…..”..
“Kaha hai wo abhi…. Is she still in Delhi?”
“Yup delhi, finishing her studies… MBA kar rahe ha imam”
“And where is Ashwini, that was her Boy friend name right?”
“yeah, he is in Chandigarh…. Ek dum mast hai” I replied with a smile..
“Waise main ne anvisha ki baat isliye ki kyuki teri kahani ko teri aur se na dekh kar agar ek aur point of view se dekha jai to kuch baate shayed aur bhi clear ho jayengi…..”
“Main samjha nahi…. Iss dusre point of view aur anvisha ka kya len den hai bhai”
“Samjha ta hu….. Tu anvisha ke bare main janta hai… aur ashwini ke bare main bhi.. right?”
“Yup, jitna tune bola hai”
“wahi…. Aur tu yeh bhi janta hai ki kahi na kahi mujhe bhi anvisha se mohaabbat hai..right?”
“Yeaaaaahhhh” a prolonged yeah mean he was probably guessing in the right direction and may be was in sync with what I was goin to tell him..or maybe not..
“you know the problem with us is that….. we see one situation from one point of view only.. not from others point of view…. Tu ne kya kabhi apne app ko Simran ya DJ ki jagah rakh kar socha hai….. agar koshish bhi ki hogi phir bhi, your own thought would have superpower your consciousness… see I can understand Simran’s stand or DJ’s feeling better than you can.. simply coz I can relate to them….simply coz I know what goes though the mind of a third party……. Main ashwini se nafrat nahi karta… but I do feel the pinch when he drops down from chandighar and anvisha is with him … but does that stops me from loving anvisha….I don’t think so….. Raj as I have mentioned before love is free…. It can’t be bounded within a parameter of a relation….. it can’t be….. otherwise you would not have continued loving Simran so much….. I think in the whole process you have not putted yourself in Simran’s shoe… Raj you want to kill the umcomfortableness..but that’s your feeling..or your thought…. You feel it….. but for Simran it might not exits…. She might not even think in this line…… who knows if at all you people meet, she might speak to you and then you will feel there is no uncomfortableless….. right now you are just going by presumption…. Or assumption… there is no concrete proof to it….. Raj ek baar Simran aur DJ ki aur se soch…… wo ek alag zindagi jee rahe hai.. jaha Raj nahi hai.. aur na uski koi jarurat hai…… if you look at yourself now….. tu bhi zindagi main kafi aage nikal aaya hai.. tere sets of friends are different from the time you were in school and then in college……. Raj I know it’s important to kill the inner albatross but then it’s also important to understand the practicality of life………
“Anvisha and Ashwini are madly in love with each other and they soon will get married also…….. and I know anvisha for more than a year now… god forbid if at all they do go through a turbulent phase……. I will support anvisha not ashwini……. And it might look to ashwini that I am trying my chances and am trying to break his relationship….whereas I m just plainly supporting my best friend….wrong or right I don’t care …… and if they do end up breaking up…. Ashwini will think I did it and I m responsible for it……though the reason could be completely separate………..but that’s how ashwini will see it…. in such situation no one is wrong actually…. Neither ashwini…nor simran…not even me ….. its just how we see and from which angle… or else you can say each one of us are to be held responsible…..which ever way you want to see the whole thing…you would realize that the context will change accordinly..Raj tu samjha raha hai main kya bolne ki koshish kar raha hu”.
“I agree…. Main samjh raha hu…… main janta hu DJ ya Simran ki koi galti nahi hai… and I accepted the fact that, I blamed DJ to hide my own incompetency to balance a relation. Aur main yeh bhi samjh ta hu ki Simran is leading a completely new life…… probably so am I…. I know all this…. But still the inner voice keeps telling me that I need to do something to sort things out….. I can’t bear the fact that Simran and I share such uncomfortableness…. Like many other I don’t know why I just can let things be like this ….. maybe It will take me some more time… See I have come a long way and I am not unhappy or sad or lonely or anything… I just have an inner desire and hope that one day I can address it… its not like I want to change everything today…. I don’t want that.. its not that I am stuck with Simran and cant’ think of anyting else… its not even that… its not that I haven’t moved on….. I have and a long way… but still I am need to answer my inner desire… I need to taken off the burden of the inner albatross.
“Raj pata hai meri inner voice mujh se kya kheti hai….. wo kheti hai ki why are you bothered about what is your relaitionship with anvisha….you love her… keep loving her… that’s the important part…..relationship will take care of itself……. And I m doing it…. and trust me I am happy coz of in her atleast I have a very good friend……. And i am sure she knows the fact that how much I love her… similarly Raj, why are you bothered ki uncomfortableness hai ya nahi hai….. don’t try and define your love for Simran….juz let it be as it is….. set it free…..jab use khatam hona hoga… wo ho jayega…main yeh nahi kehta ki apne ander ki awaz ko nazar andaz kar de…… let time take care of it… the more force you put to answer your inner desire… you might end up worsening the whole situation further…… khetey hai na…. jab bhi koi sache dil se kuch bhi mangta hai.. uski wish puri hoti hai…. Kya pata one day.. simran will understand or might herself realize that all this while you were trying to just kill the uncomfortableness…and you are now more stable and matured then what you use to be……”
“hmm.. I know SK and I m not pushing things this time around….. I will wait for the right time… neither I m emotionally weak… all this while I have emerged a much more stronger person and more stable than I was ever before….So no way I m in a hurry… or will try and make things happen… yes it would be nice if I can kill the inner albatross, but then I am in no hurry… waise tere liye difficult nahi hota anvisha ko ashwini ke sath dekh kar…dard nahi hota”
“to be honest…… ab jada nahi hota…phele phele hota tha… bahut hota tha…….jab wo mere sath hoti thi…phir bhi ashwini se ghanto baate karti thi aur main baitha rehta tha…… jab ashwini uske sath hota aur wo mujhe bhool jati….. phir main ne apne inner voice ki awaz suni… aur analyse kiya ki main kya sahi kar raha hu… kya meri soch and feelings sahi hai… and I got the answer….. So ab I don’t feel the pinch much.. and now that I have shifted to Mumbai….ab to jada pata bhi nahi chalta ki kya chal raha hai…… anvisha ne kabhi mujhe apne dard se rubaru nahi karvaya….. aaisa nahi hai ki I am that close or anything…its just that she is way to reserved……. And I never force her to say or do anything… kabhi kabhi uski baate ya kuch harkatey bahut dard deti hai…. Jaise ki agar hum me koi jhagra ya miss understanding hui ho and I try and speak to her or drop her a msg and she doesn’t reply back……. Or doesn’t speak up…… main complain nahi karta… na hi use apne dard ka ehsas dilata hu……kyuki main janta hu ki she doesn’t do it intentionally… she is like that……you know anvisha will be the only girl probably jis ki har galti ko main ne nazar andaz kiya….. kabhi kabhi anjane main bhi aagar wo mujhe dard de jati hai to bhi I have never given any mileage to it….. I have never kept any kind of complain about her… har waqt koshish yahi rahi hai ki main use sirf khusi du..sirf khusi… I try my best to make sure ki uski har wish ko main pura karu and try and make her happy…I have always try and understand her.. and trust me dude its not easy to understand woman….. Raj it’s important that you try and understand your loved one… why they behave in a particular way… why they react in a particular way.. hum agar unhe samjh jaye to shikayatey kam ho jayengi….. So now it’s doesn’t hurt… and I have become a good friend to both of them…… though I will always be partial towards anvisha……”
“Tera kabhi maan nahi kiya use apne dil ki baat bolne ka…..??”
“hmm… maan karta hai aur main bolta bhi hu… but ha but sirf ek dost ki tara se….. I have never loved her to get her… I loved her coz she is a wonderful person….. and that’s what matter to me…. Anvisha as anvisha…… I don’t know why we complicate things so much by defining love in certain boundaries….. I have decided to set my love free…. And I am happy…. May be yes I miss having a so called “Girl Friend” in my life…. but atleast I m happy that I have a lovely girl who is a wonderful friend….who is my life to me…….So I have no complains.. and I know when the right time will come I will meet my Miss Right”
We both looked into each other’s eye… and shared a nice laugh… a celebration of an achievement…. A celebration of friendship and love…. Celebration of understanding our inner soul better and listening to the voice of heart…. Celebration of addressing “The Inner Albatross”
Concluding part will be posting soon.....

The Inner Albatross..: Part 3

Posted by Saurangshu Kanunjna | Posted in | Posted on 11:28 PM

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“I knew in you I would find a good listener, I knew like other you won’t ask me why I am still hooked to Simran. You know SK I m not hooked to her or waiting for her to come back....I know the Simran who use to love me madly is lost somewhere…. I know she will never be mine… probably she was never mine…. I know now I have no importance in her life… I am just a bad past of her.. may be she might not even want to see my face again in her entire life…. Its not that she hates me or dislike me… she just figured out that we are not meant to be together.. which is perfectly fine and I have accepted it too… I have accepted life as it is…. But somewhere somewhere my inner voice and inner soul was not in peace…. I ran away from here coz I didn’t wanted to face her…. I thought may be new place, new people, new stuff will occupy my mind and I would be able to forget her and everything and start life fresh… I tried everything, parties, clubbing, work, gals, everything possible…. But somewhere somewhere my inner voice was trying to tell me something… I have everything today, yet my mind and soul is not at peace… there was something something that needed to be addressed.. that needed to be understood…. I tried telling myself that it’s of no use to think about simran and all those past stuff… life is about moving on and making new relation…. Turst me SK… I have moved on a long way…may be in the mist of all these feeling I have understood what I wanted and desired… I could hear the voice of my inner soul clearly… I know it never tells me too go and get back Simran. It never says that I was wrong or she was wrong or about the relation…. It never talks about the guy probably whom I hated the most around that time… It never says that the guy was at fault or tells me to hate that guy or anything in that line…… you know what it tells me…… it tells me to love…. It tells me that love the person… not the relation… it tells me love never says that you have to be in a relation to love someone…… it tells me that I should try and make sure that in future may be 20 years down the line, when I came face to face with Simran or that guy I should not be remembered as a painful past…… it tells me that I should do something that will make simran believe that I have moved on that I m no more the emotional sentimental Raj… someone who was a kid not a husband… I should try and reach out to her somehow and try and create a new memory…. I shouldn’t be remembered as a painful past…. i should try and create new memory, so that tomorrow if Simran speaks about me.. she can say Raj, I know we are friends and is a good guy.. I should be remembered by her in a positive way…. My inner soul tells me that the person who made me what I m today…. The person who made me realize what love is and what being loved is..should not remember me as a pain point in her life……. I should try and do something that would eradict any painful memories and rewrite a new script in her mind….. maybe I can be both her and the other guys good friend… may be I would be just a person she knows… aaj wo uncomfortable feel karti hai mere naam se….. kahi na kahi ek dard attach hai mere naam ke sath.. ek past jise wo bhula chuki hai…par wo uska picha nahi chor raha hai… ek failed relationship.. main nahi chahta ki wo mujhe iss tarha yaad kare… ya main uske zindagi ka aaisa dard bhara hisa ban kar reh saku…….usse ne mere liye itna kuch kiya hai…. Main iss ehsas ke sath chain se nahi jee pata ki jisne mujhe pyar karna sikhaya… jo mera bhagwan hai.. … main uski zindagi ka dardnak yaad hu…… main uss dard ko mitana chahta hu…. Main chahta hu ki kal aagar hum rubaru ho to wo uncomfortableness na rahe…. Wo bhi khul kar aur main bhi khul kar ek dusre se baat kar sake.. jaisa hum college main karte the……jo bhi ho.. hum dost the… bahut aache dost.. shayed main uss dosti ko wapas pana chahta hu……. U know shayed hum phir kabhi na mile… par if I m able to do this… if I m able to del any sore memory from her mind and feel it with new good memories… then I can answer my inner soul….. then my soul will be at peace and maybe I can live my life peacefully and die peacefully.. varna yeah burden mere upar reh jaiga….. honestly main nahi janta main kaise karunga… but this is something I have to do….. otherwise I won’t be at peace….. aj main darta hu usse… use face karne se… shayed uska chera mujhe dekh kar utar jai…. The tone she spoke to me for the last few mails and last time was not the way she is….. I know she doesn’t hate me… but I also know that she doesn’t want to see my face ever again and speak to me ever again… that’s ok with me.. but I wanted to kill the uncomfortableness we both share… I want to make sure.. that when we or if we ever meet…. We can meet with the same ease and comfort as we use to meet in college…. Coz I know she hasn’t change as a person and I too haven’t change much..she still has the heart of gold… she still is the same friendly and every helping and ever loving and never complaining Simran she was in college… this is why I thought I must revist my country and try and see if I can find out a way by which I can do what I want to do….”

“you want some water?”

“yeah water would be fine and coke also.. need some energy drink to carry on… “ it was good to see a smile on his face…..

We were indeed in middle of some deep soul searching talk. I was able to understand what he was trying to say… may be I have grown with age and have seen too many love stories to understand the difference……. I know Raj fully understands the meaning of moving on… he has moved on with life.. otherwise he would not have been where he is today…. If he wouldn’t have understood he would have been another modern Devdas… something like Dev D… well I know he is not waiting for simran and is open to new relation…I know he is not saying ki “hum jite ek baar hai, mart eek baar hai, shadi bhi ek baar hoti hai….. aur pyar bhi ek baar”. I know he is not cribbing and crying for the fact that he lost the most important things of his life…… I know he is not in a terrible state of affair…its just he wanted to make sure that the person he loves the most....the person who help him to be what he is… the person who is his god… should not even for once think about him in negative frame of mind or with negative energy….. he knows that she might now even think about him.. she might not even be bothered whether he is alive or dead… whether he is happy and sad… whether he is just surviving or living… she has moved a long way ahead…. But he wants to kill the uncomfortableness that exists today.... he wants to rewrite the memory so that tomorrow if they come face to face to each other they can at least greet each other and speak like normal people do… and like normal friends do… he want to make sure his God should not have any uncomfortable feeling or may be in straight word…. He wants to eliminate all the pain and sore memory they once shared and go back to the time when they were best of friends…. In short he wants to seat in a time machine and go back to the time when they were very good friend…. He want to rewrite past into future…….. sahi kaha hai kisi ne…”life’s greatest learning is hidden in past”. agar hum apne past main jhak kar dekhe to we can learn a lot of things and from that learning can prevent it from happening in future……past is a great teacher… we should never ignore it….

“Raj…. Shayed tu sirf apne angel se soch raha hai….. may be she doesn’t want to be friends with you again ever… coz tu use humesha past ki yaad dilayega… and the guy who knew everything about you and have meet you may not want her to revist her past…. kya pata it might spoil her life….. as u will remind her of all those sour moments”.

“Exactly this is what I want to kill…… and I know I can do it…… she still think I am too emotional and main emotion ke flow main bheta ja ta hu…. That’s not true… when I say I have no complains against the guy… I not only say it I mean it…. usse wahi kiya jo koi pyar main karta hai……. Uska pyar sacha tha aur paak tha…. He is able to keep her happy and satisfy her needs…… yes I agree I putted all blame on him for our breakup… par shayed wo meri kamjori thi … I couldn’t accept the flaws in me….. see I don’t think he is responsible coz I know it is never like that…… he did what a person in love would have done…. If you love someone you love her… there is no if and but… no true or false… simple…..DJ ne pyar kiya tha Simran se… aur usse uska pyar mila…….. I use to blame him .. may be coz we human have a tendency to put the blame on some other person and escape from the situation….rather than accepting our fault and working towards improving ourselves…main ne bhi wahi kiya… main ne usko blame kiya coz I wanted to hide my own incompetency and inability to love Simran and keep her happy…. So I have no problem with DJ… and this is exactly what I want them to know…… I want to kill this thought in their mind ki I m sour moment in their life…or something like that… may be I don’t need to do that..and let each one of us live happily….. I should not be selfish and think only about my peace… I should let them live happily as they are living…… honestly I am not going to do it also……”

Now I was getting confused… if he is not going to do it.. then why speak about it..

“tu soch raha hai na.. ki agar main karne nahi wala to main befizul ka baak kyu raha hu iske baare main…. coz I have no option…… din ba din mere ander ka soul mujhe bolta hai kuch kar kuch kar… badal daal sabkuch….. I am not able to live in peace… I have to live with this pain that the person I love the most.. … I am the only sour and painful memory of her life…. I cant’ bear that…. but I have no option then to accept it and live with it…….. coz I can’t change it…. the moment I try and do it.. I will disturb her…. Her life and may be her peace… I tired doing it by mailing her couple of time…but she didn’t replied…… and I don’t want to disturb her or her peace…. I have to do it strategically… wait for the right time….. wait for the time when may be God will again smile and will grant my inner most desire……. May be one day God will only script it for me to meet her and change the whole thought process and may be rewrite a new story…………I don’t want to rush.. I have paid the price of rushing to things previously and I don’t want to make the mistake again…I want to ensure that I take only the right foot forward at least when it concern Simran……I am waiting for that day with hope in my eyes and believe in my heart… dekhte hai kab aata hai wo din…….

“ To tu basically janta hai tujhe kya chahiye…but tu yeh nahi janta kit u usse hasil kaise karega…. Well dude don’t worry.. when there is a will there is a way…..”

Well his situation was complicated…may be he himself was not able to clearly state what he wanted from life and from Simran……….. maybe he knows what he wants but is not able to express his desire…… what I got from the conversation so far is that for him more than the relation the person matters… he loves the person… irrespective the relation….. invariably you would find human having a tendency to love a relation..not the person…. if two lovers part off due to some miss understanding or something they don’t ever see each other face, or hate each other with same madness as they use to love each other……. If two friends have a fight or argument they part off with a promise that they will never be friends again… ditto for two brothers who declare war on slightest of fight…. Many more such relations..where in we just care about the relation not the love for the person…. we say people change…. But I believe what changes is not people.. but situation and relation…. If we can understand the whole thing better, maybe we will see less hatred among each other and more love……. What happen in a relation is that we start expecting in a particular manner….. depending on the relation we share… and if that expectation is not meet we get hurt and think that ohhh the person has changed or he/she don’t love the way they use to do………. But in mist of everything we forget the person we love… we forget that the person we love is same……. we forget we are judging the person as per our expectation and not on the basis of what he is….. we forget the fact that we love the person because of what he/she is… and not coz of the relation we share with that person…… relation to baas naam hai…. Hum apne feeling to tarha tarha ke naam de deta hai……. Par ashliyat main pyar ka koi naam nahi hota.. wo ehsas hai.. kisi relation ka mautaz nahi… agar pyar hai to pyar kar…… yeah maat soch ki rishta kya hai….. rishtey ka naam kya hai….

One thing I understood and which Raj was not able to state clearly was the fact the Love is such an energy which cannot be tied in the name of relationship or any such parameters. You cannot force things to happen…. Everything happens at its own course of time…. Khete hai na waqt se phele aur kismet se jada kise kya mila hai… when something has to happen it will happen… at times its important to understand this and wait patiently for the right time to arrive…… if you set free your expectation and if you are ready to wait…. And patiently if you work towards your wish…. More often than not….your wish will be granted…. Not coz it’s destined to be granted but coz u have worked towards it……. Raj knew if he rushes into things now in a hope that things will be all right there is a strong chance that he would end up on the wrong side…. But rather if he hold back and wait for the right time to come… he will be giving himself one remote chance to fulfill his wish…… he was right… he need to wait a while and see how he can make it happen…..

I have seen many people being in touch and infact being good friends after an intimate relationship…… which makes me believe that certain relationship are just not meant to be that way…. But the good part is that they don’t let one failed relation impact the other one…. .. I believe every individual has his own way of handling a situation and handling a break off….. in RAJ case Simran might have figured out that Raj is an emotional person and if she doesn’t behave a little strict and rough with him.. he might not be able to come out of it…. and come in terms of life… .. I know she wouldn’t in the remotest dreams have thought of hurting Raj… I know it for sure…… at times few things are just not meant to be…..may be what she didn’t realize is that they ended the relation in a sour note with a feeling of discomfort… something which is bothering Raj……. And something he wants to correct, so that he can be free of the burden of the albatross…. He wants the albatross to be taken off his neck……….. and only and only Simran can help him……. But the problem is Simran has walked a long way away… She now has a new and different life…. and its right also… we all need to move on with life.. Raj to has, but the only problem is Raj is not like any other guy who will let thing go as it is….. as long as the albatross is not taken off him… he will not be in peace… the only question is how… coz the only person who can make this happen is Simran and she has moved way too forward to come and help……..

“Raj teri meri kahani main ek baat ki similarity hai…… tune dosti kho di mohabbat ke waste aur main ne mohabbat kho di dosti ke washte……..” with a smile I told Raj

“Tu Anvisha ki baat kar raha hai na” Raj was the only person who had some idea about my feeling towards anvisha…….as I have shared some details with him once…. Anvisha… uske baare main kya batau… wo dekhne main to ladki hai.. infact bahut khubsurat ladki hai.. but nature main subhan allah….. I wonder ki bhagwan ne kahi galti se isse itni sundar ladki to nahi bana di… challu d great hai….. she knows how to get her work done… very friendly and has a big heart….. she is an resident expert in telling lie.. and she would say that with so much of innocence that you will never come to know that she just bluffed you….. a true bluffmaster…….anvesha… Big eyes… extremely catchy smile.. very attractive and beautiful… I won’t be surprise if you see her and fall in love…. When I saw her first time I too was like “Wow..what a beautiful girl”…..Anvisha… a girl whom you meet only once in a life time…

Anvisha and my story to be continued.....

The Inner Albratross: Part 2

Posted by Saurangshu Kanunjna | Posted in | Posted on 3:45 PM

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That day much to my disappointment…. I had to get up to open the door ….. For about couple of second I was just staring at him, as if I have seen some real ghost or something…. “abe oye ghurta hi rahega ki ander bhi aane dega”…those words from Raj confirming that I am indeed standing in front of a Ghost.

Raj… “naam to suna hi hoga”… is my school buddy..we were best of friends during school days and much until we got busy with our new life in our respective colleges… I still remember he was one of guy who was always ready to help anyone and everyone, someone who is genuine from heart and is very supportive character. Never in my dreams had I thought I will meet him in Mumbai (of all places) and that too in my home. We were in touch through facebook and Gtalk but for last few months or may be close to a year time he stopped coming online and we never really got time to update each other of our life’s latest and greatest things.

“Salle tu kaha se aa tapka? Aur tujhe mera address kis ne diya….kaha tha itne dino se.. koi khabar hi nahi?” I fired at him my set of questions, not allowing him to settle down also. With a smile he replied…. “sab bata ta hu,phele baith ne to de”. As he relaxed his Ass on my bed, I offered him some coffee and biscuits. “Wow man, coffee shoffee…sahi hai yaar… sab sikh gaya lagta hai”.

I don’t know why my friends and family still think I am the same nikamma lazy chap, who hates cooking and all other kitchen stuff. But then no matter how much I dislike doing it still, I am left with no option, Mumbai is expensive city man.

“Ha yaar waqt jab laat marti hai to sab sikha deti hai, tu coffee pi aur yeh bata tu yaha kaise??” I was still not able to come in term with the fact that he was in my house in Mumbai.

“I landed in India today early morning around 4.00am from London. Since my flight was landing in Mumbai I thought I will hang in here for a day so that I can meet you. It’s been 8 years since we last meet”.

“Sahi main yaar pata hi nahi chalta waqt kaise nikal jata hai, aur up lately you have stopped coming online also. Waise tujhe mera address kisne diya?”

“Facebook ke profile main you have mentioned your address sir ji, wahi se dund dund kar hum aa gaye”

“Wow, smart ho gaya hai tu yaar…. Facebook ke messages ka reply nahi deta but address wahi se dund nikale sale”

“Tu aam kha yaar gultiya kyu gin raha hai”.

I was thrilled and at the same time there was a calmness within me, don’t know why these days nothing thrills me much, honestly nothing. May be with age and experience the youthful exuberance dies or maybe I was just bored with my life… don’t know what was the matter, but I know I have changed, I have become much more subdued then I was before.

“so hoz life NRI Raj, Kintne din ki chuti main aaya hai?? Plan kya hai tera?” my round of questions still not over.

“NRI: yeah for sure, non reliable Indian..(his witty smile was his trademark during school days and it was good to see, it still is.) yaar plan to yeah hai ki main kal jar aha hu Kol, waha se Guwahati and then will be at home for around 10days and phir back to London, planning to take parents along with me this time around. London main ek ghar liya hai, so want mom and dad to see it”

“oot tari ki tune ghar bhi le li… itna paisa aaya kaha se… tu Don shon to nahi ban gaya na…(as usual I am off humor)

“abe ghar li hai wo bhi rent pe aur wo bhi twin sharing” tere tarha akele nahi rehta 1BHK main aur wo bhi Mumbai main” (he surely has done his homework….pathar ka jawab itt se…)

“Aare yaar majburi hai, akele kaun rehna chahta hai bol…par koi salla milta ya milti hi nahi live-in ke liye” (It takes me a little time to get my humor right, just like a tube light)

“aaah I can guess why you are staying all alone and denting your pocket with huge rents, Guwahati main ja kar aunty se baat karni paregi lagta hai. Waise suna hai Mumbai main kafi sare GAY’s hai… tu unki gintiyo main to nahi aata na…”.

“chup be sale. Angrez….Waisa kuch nahi hai yaar..abhi umar ho gayi hai na… so have lost the adjustment ka stamina… abhi when I can afford I feel I should stay alone.. I love my space ya..mujhe jada bheer pasand nahi hai…and more over yaha mere aache dost bhi nahi hai..wid whom I m comfortable sharing house….and waise bhi these days I prefer loneliness”.

“We all do love our space dude, but then akele zindagi nahi chalti… aur na hi koi chala pata hai….. I am all alone in London, I know how much it is important for a person to have friends and family around. Waha paisa to hai… par zindagi nahi hai..khushiya bhi salla pound main toil jati hai…… par zindagi ki aasli khushi thore na kaagaz ke noto main hai….. I have realized one thing, if you are not happy within no matter how much you earn or what you do, you will never be able to treasure any kind of happiness or relations” suddenly I could feel that he was getting a little emotional. I can understand deep down something was there that was hurting him or something that he himself didn’t know about was bothering him.

I had to continue the discussion, so that I can understand better what the matter was or it is just that for last 2 year he is out of country so missing everyone….or maybe I am reading too much between the lines, it could just be an intellectual pass on my statement.

Even before I could speak up he continued… “I know I might be sounding emotional, to be honest it is this emotional connect that has brought me back to you and my country, 2 years ago I ran away to London, not coz I got excellent job opportunity, but coz I wanted to ran away. Mujhe me situation se larne ki ya usse face karni ki himaat nahi thi…. You can say I was a coward. But tab mujhe ek hi rashta suja to ran away from situation…. Aur main bhagore ki tarha bhag gaya….”

“Raj kya bol raha hai yaar… kya hua.. chill dude aaisa kuch bhi nahi hai” I got concerned seeing his moist eyes, now I was sure that something is seriously wrong.

I was aware of the history slightly; I knew the person he loved the most, moved on in her life, leaving him in despair. He always maintained it was his fault and he always use to say.. chalti ka naam gadi hai… hume chalte jana hai.. hum musafir hai yaaron.. mazile badalte jana hai… though I didn’t know what exactly it means but I m sure there is some logic to it…. I wanted to know, I wanted to help my friend, more importantly I always admired his love for his better half. There are few love story which can teach you a lot, his is one of those. I am sure if ever aditya chorpa comes to know his love story and his vision towards love, we might see Hindi cinema’s biggest love story ever, well jokes apart my friend seriously need some help.

He continued with smile on his face and rubbing his moist eyes, an attempt to clear the cloud of tears surrounding his eyes. “Sorry yaar main bhi kaha emotional attyachar main pauch gaya” (surely he has watched DEV D recently)

“oye DEV D ke puttar, jada chu chu maat kaar… sorry worry apne pocket vich rakh.. aur thik thik gaal kar…. Kya hua… tu abhi bhi Simran ko bhula nahi paya” (ignore my attempt to speak Punjabi, I don’t know why being a bong, seating in Maratha land, talking to another bong, I decided to speak in half Punjabi…. May be that’s what India is all about….among all diversity… there is a strange similarity)

“kash meri story DDLJ types hoti… happies endings….salle ma baap ne naam to sahi rakha but upar baitha Aditya chopra (read as GOD) ne script pura jhol kar diya… puri kahani hi baddal dali..” We both shared a slight laughter and he continued

“Baat simran ko bhulane ki nahi hai yaar. baat usko pane ya khone ki bhi nahi hai…. Dost main ne zindagi main ek cheez jana hai… if we are unhappy there can be two things, one is to adjust with the unhappiness and accept it and try and find happiness around it, or else try and understand why we are unhappy, try and find happiness. Simran did exactly that…. college ke baad shayed humare sochne ka dhang badal gaya tha… earlier she thought main hi uski khusi hu uski duniya hu.. she had never experience love before I came to her life.. I was a refresh from the stereotype guys…. meri haar galti ko wo apne pyar ke dhache main dhak deti.. meri haar berukhi ko wo mera sach man kar apne pyar main laapet leti….. aur main yeh samjh baithta ki she understands me and will understand me…. Main ne maan liya ki wo waise hi rahegi zindagi bhaar…par wo thore na koi putla hai… shayed main ne uski dil ki baat kabhi samjhi hi nahi…. Jab use meri jarurat hoti main shayed tabhi kahi aur hota…… main usse thik se samjh nahi paya…coz she was so adjusting and understanding I never realized that may be I m forcing my decision and wishes on her… may be I m taking her for granted and maybe I m not understanding that she is adjusting and compromising a lot of thing. Uska pyar mere liye itna paak tha ki she never made me realized what all compromise and adjustment she did for me. She never ever complained about anything..anything what so ever…aur main bewakuf kabhi samjh hi nahi paya ki wo bhi insaan hai..and she also has her wish and her desire..its not just being there its more deep down..somehting I won’t be able to explain in words..… yeah nahi tha ki main usse pyar nahi karta tha.. but kahi na kahi uski inner wish ko main pura nahi kar pa raha tha.. wo jitna aacha mujhe samjhti main usse samjh nahi paya… uske liye mere ankho ka ek isara kafi hota… par wo mujhe ishaare pe isshare deti jati aur main nahi samjhta…. She was right I was immature to handle the situation…. She was right she needed a husband not a kid as her better half……so I seriously don’t have any complaints against her.. jab wo bahar aayi zindagi ke dusre roop se ruba ru hui tab shayed uski khusia alag ho gayi.. aaisa nahi tha ki she didn’t gave me chance to improve and understand..but as she would say… this was not meant to be… today if I know what love is its coz of her…. Today if I know what’s being loved is its coz of her….. log bagwan se pyar karte hai… bagwan to pyar ka ultimate masiha khete hai.. people say GOD never talked about hatred or violence, God only believes in Love…. If that is the case then I m not wrong when I say she is my GOD… coz today agar main pyar ka thora sa bhi janta hu, wo issliye kyuki usne mujhe pyar ki ahmiyat aur pyar ki sachai se rubaru karvaya….. agar main aaj pyar ko thora bhi samjh sakta hu aur uski izzat karta hu that’s coz she made me realize how important love is in one’s life…She is my GOD.. coz for me she is the definition of LOVE….. I still remember when she was with me jab bhi koi mujhe LOVE ko define karne bolta I use to say for me love is Simran….and today also even though physically she is not with me I still say for me definition of love hasn’t change its still Simran…. And like hum apne GOD ko bhula nahi sakte… main use nahi bhula sakta….. aur shayed ek baar main Simran the person ko bhula bhi du… par kaise bhulau use Pyar ko jis se rubaru usne mujhe karvaya tha….. kaise bhulau LOVE ko….so its not about Simran my ex girl friend, it’s a totally different feeling and uss ehsas ko samjhna ya samjhana ashan nahi hai mere dost.. ashan nahi hai….. over the last two year I have learned few things… main ne koshish bhi ki kuch logo ko explain karne ki… but no one understand so I decided to keep the feeling within me only… coz I know what it is all about.. I know and only I understand….its not too practical you see… its philosophical…. Which has no meaning or resemblance to real life… and practical life…”

A long pause after a really long speech… or rather should I say philosophical dialogue…..

I had some idea about what he was speaking, we often in practical life tell ourselves or people around us to forget the past and move on….. We say you need to be matured enough to understand a fail relationship and look ahead…. Life never stops.. aur bhi bahut aayengi…. And its true also after all chalti ka naam gari hai…..but I knew, I had an idea what Raj was speaking and what he meant…. I knew exactly what was going through his heart and the feeling within.

“Main yeah to nahi keh sakta ki main samjhta hu…. Kisi aur ka dard aur uska pyar..koi aur, kabhi us intensity se nahi samjh sakta… but main janta hu tu kya kehna chahta hai… main yeh janta hu ki u r not complaining neither cribbing for the fact that why simran has left you….. I know if you ever expose this part of your life to anyone, people look at it as a sign of weakness…… wo yeah samjhte hai ki tu emotionally kamjor hai… waqt se larne ki himmat nahi hai tujh main…… par wo yeah nahi samjh pate ki baat larne ki nahi hai… haar jeet ki nahi hai…. Khone pane ki nahi hai… baat hai ek ehsas ki…. Use feeling ki jisse rubaru hona har ek ke bhagya main nahi hota…… tu sahi hai… practical baat nahi yeh… aur shayed philosophical baat bhi nahi hai.. it’s a feeling which is personal… you have experienced it… may be few other across the globe has.. or may be loads of people have… but then no one talks about it.. coz we have been taught not to speak or think about past….and focus on future”

The conversation was getting more philosophical than anything else… somewhere we both touch a topic which we both are sensitive too.. suddenly in each other we found listener to our inner voice… so far whenever we needed to talk about this topic we only spoke to ourselves, as we knew no one would understand us… whenever we tried expressing it to the world, people first time use to listen and invariable would say…. Forget past and move on… aur abhi bahut log aayenge… and many more practical gayan…. And next time round they won’t even listen to it….. but today probably we found in each other a listener who would understand and hence we continued.. Continued to share our part of the story.

Conversation Continues.....

The Inner Albatross......: Part 1

Posted by Saurangshu Kanunjna | Posted in | Posted on 5:49 PM

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It was drizzling that day, even though it wasn't a heavy drizzle but still good enough to create slight panic among the on goers... No one expected the rain God to smile so early in the year, as I was rushing for shelter I could notice the anguish on many people's face, thanks to the unexpected drizzle that was slowly transforming into a mild rain. I was inches away from my building when the drizzle decided to be a bit more aggressive and started to pour heavily. But like most hindi film heroes, I was able to save myself, though got partially drenched. Honestly seating on the 10th floor in the balcony with a coffee mug in your hand, you tend to forget the plight of all the people battling the rain in the road (luckily I saved myself from the similar plight moments ago) and enjoy the watery blessing from heaven.

Seating on my balcony with coffee in my hand, I thought of enjoying the not so pleasant rain.... that’s how Mumbai is for all of us… "Kisi ki musibat kisi ka maza ban jati hai"... a line meant perfectly for Mumbai or may be for everywhere. Bas kuch pal phele hi main iss musibaat ka hisaa tha…. Aur ab isse ka maaja utha raha hu… strange… but true…

I moved to Mumbai..may be destined to move here...or may be another litmus test after a long and challenging 1 and half year in Delhi, then a comfortable and easy going life in Bangalore, it was time for another challenge called "Mumbai". I still remember as a child I always wanted to live in Mumbai, always wanted to be part of the big world of "Hindi cinema" (like many greats even I don’t like the word “Bollywood”).... things have changed drastically over the years, I have developed some sort of allergies towards big cities..... And certainly had no intension of coming to Mumbai and settling down here. But as they say destiny had something else planned for me.

I was sitting in the balcony enjoying the rain and drinking a cup of coffee when suddenly the door bell rang… honestly life greatest learning comes to you unexpectedly… when you are not prepared or least expect it…. the main trick it to grab it or realize the hidden learning behind such events/incidents….. who knew that outside the door that day was an experience of a life time… an experience that helped us understand or bring us face to face too our inner most desire…. something we are scared to talk about or discuss, something that never gets its due importance and one day when we are in verge of our end we realize that we have left the most important desire of our life unaddressed…. An unfulfilled wish… We human have a tendency to take the safe route out…. Escape from the situation or not to face the pain that’s there inside our heart…..during our course of life… we make relation and desire for certain stuff…. Not always it is possible that all our wishes will be fulfilled. But then there are certain desires which we carry with us thorough out our life…… I and my friend Raj had such desire… I don’t know whether this conversation has any logic, practical significances or importance..Not sure if people can connect with what we talked about…whether anyone else in this earth will ever understand what we both desired and wanted… whether anyone will be benefited from the conversation..Whether our conversation will enlighten someone else’s life…or inspire someone…I don’t know nor am I interested to know ... but that day for us.. We visited our respective inner most desire…..something we wanted to address but didn’t know how and when…….. all we knew is that we want certain things and we will wait for the right time to come and give us that… we won’t let our inner most desire, no matter how painfull it is to die or fade away with time…we need to kill that desire so as to live a guilt free life… and we know we will one day….….

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