The problem with you is that you are too emotional and take hasty decision, somewhere in your consciousness you might have judged the whole situation completely but still will take a decision which is not logical. You paid the price of being immature and is still paying the price”. “we can’t change the truth that SC is no longer with you, we also can’t change the truth that you still love, we also can’t change that fact that life moves on, so you also have too.” His words were hitting me hard, every time someone brings SC’s topic up, I somehow become too emotional. I really wish once just for once SC allow me to speak to her, once she should forgive me, I till date think she hates me, what kills me is the fact that she has forgotten even the friendship we use to share, as I was again going deep down my thoughts, the nice gentle ghost interfered. “I know you want to get in touch with SC again, coz you want to prove her that you are not that bad a person, there is a heavy load on yourself about the fact that she hates you and doesn’t want to even speak to you, doesn’t want to see your face also. But my dear friend for the last one year the situation has been like this only and every time you wanted to speak to her she even drifted further off from you. The reason is best known to her, but all I know is that you have become very weak emotionally and mentally over this period. My dear friend you pretend to be more matured and sensible, may be to an extent you have become a little more matured but if you are matured enough you should also realize that SC is never going to come back even as a acquaintance”. Probably I know that fact, but then at time heart just wants to believe the fact that I have permanently lost the most precious thing of my life.

I tried telling him that I did try and forget SC by many ways but each time I use to get doubly hurt which would eventually make me weaker. In fact I did start liking another female. And probably she was the first one whom I didn’t compared to SC, the more I came to know about her more closer I went to her. But as they say every good thing has to come to end, so was my dream. I somehow again felt that GOD is smiling on me and made me meet a better person than SC and also I started believing that may be she is the one for me. She is the only Girl who could make me forget SC completely, she was just perfect. I was really falling for her and again got a reason to smile and be happy. Unfortunately again I made a mistake of hurrying things up, I gave her my heart just to know that she has given her to someone else already and they are well settled in the relationship. It did hurt me a lot, coz had she informed me about her status before I would have never let myself go so ahead so soon. But then it wasn’t her fault again. It’s just my luck. Why on earth do I fail so miserably in love, first SC and then ……..

“Hey buddy, life is not just about one relationship, GOD will give you many chances, sometime you would miss some and some time you would hit some. There is someone somewhere made for each one of us”. That was a SRK dialogue from “DIl to Pagal Hai”…… “Buddy look at this way, you got to experience the true and purest form of Love not many gets such opportunity. You would invariably find many people having multiple partners and relationship and none as pure and true as you had with SC. Cherish the relationship as you have so far done, don’t let it be a pain point in your life, make it your strength. I know today also you cry in front of her picture and talk to her when you are down. Even though physically she is not there with you, you are still connected to her someway. I also know what people would say if they come to know you do such stuff, they would make fun and laugh at you, which is obvious, coz they are different human being, very different from what you are. What’s amazing is that once you meet that Girl with whom you fall in love again, you actually become more stronger emotionally than otherwise, even after knowing that she is engaged you didn’t break down so badly, you took it sportingly and most importantly she has somehow replaced SC in many of your thoughts and it wouldn’t have been surprise that she would have been the perfect partner for you. Anyways my point is the day you would find the right woman, you would not be so weak and so venerable. Just that you have to wait for that day to come. Till than you still have your SC with you, the one you knew in Asansol, the one who loved you more than anything else. She is still your strength, don’t ever make her your weakness. And get ready for life, life main abhi bahut kuch karna hai……” wow he can speak in hindi also, each and every point of his were right, he was perfect in his analysis, and the most amazing part was he knew each and everything without me telling him anything. How can this be possible? I was wondering when he spoke again “ you know you are basically a very weak hearted person, right since childhood you have been a reserved person, never opened up in front of anyone, not even your own family. If you remember you were always the patience guy in the family, whenever people use to shout and screamed you were the one who use to hold his nerve and be quite. Be that person, not the one whom I m currently meeting. You have a sense of responsibility and you know your duties, always remember life is not just about a single person. You are responsible for your parent’s well being also. And I know today if you are living you are living for them. Its coz of them that you are fighting with all your pains and not letting them knows about your suffering. You know what you really need someone with whom you can open up everything, I know SC was the one and after SC the only person you were ready to open us was the one who already belonged to someone else. But then always remember that you never believed that you can ever fall in love again with any other girl, but you did. So there is still some hope left, may be someone is there waiting for you, let the right time come you would automatically know”. I nodded in agreement. Seriously after a long time someone was able to hit the cord right with me, someone who came from nowhere, whom I could still recognize and someone who knew everything. I wanted to ask him whom he was, how did he manage to know everything, does he has some supernatural power, what is it???

Before I could fire my round of question he said the final words “ Buddy I know you won’t lose and you won’t let me loss, all I want to tell you is, even though in our life we might not have the special person to share every pain of our life, even though we might have lost the very important thing in our life, we will always have a very very special friend with us, who would know everything that is going in your mind and heart. And that special person is our inner voice, the voice of our soul. We can cheat on the whole world, we can camouflage our feeling in front of best of friends but not in front of our self. So whenever you want to speak, just call me I would be there with you always and forever, and trust me I will only speak for your good. He smiled and I could now recognize him slightly, I think I know him. I think I have seen him, he is very very familiar….but who is he…….suddenly his face started fading away….suddenly the whole scene looked blur…what is this happening….i felt like shouting…I was not able to see a clear view……..right now everything was clear and now its all blur and hazy. Suddenly I heard some one calling my name “Mr Sau…….Mr sau this is the last and final boarding call for Mr Sau flying in Kingfisher flight IT…… “ wow I woke up to realize that all this while I was sleeping in Hyd airport waiting for my flight to bangalore…. So eventually whatever happened, happened in a subconscious mind….i was actually speaking to myself….wow that person was none other than myself, my inner voice….amazing isn’t it. I boarded the flight but that trip did help me sort out some of my life’s unsolvable problem. But not all..even after knowing all the facts and practicality of life….the heart still wants to visit the golden days of my life……. really time never comes back…..it just fly…… one should enjoy the today, rather than hoping and praying for a better tomorrow. Wish I can follow my own saying :)

It’s been some time since I last blogged. Life has fully changed since the time I last posted. I shifted my base from Delhi to Bangalore. Change of job means new adjustment, new beginning, and lots of new things. While I was trying to settle down in a new different environment I hardly realized that it’s the month of May that I have arrived. Month of May have been a pathetic time for me twice in my life, once during 2001 and again in 2007, and the best part is both time the date also was within striking distance, 25^th for the first instance and 23^rd for the second one. I never have been able to figure out why May is so annoyed with Feb (that’s my birth month). I am not too much into astrology but then I know this much that Pisces and Taurus do make a good pair, if there is any fact in this equation then Feb and May should complement each other rather than being a thorn in the neck. At least that’s the case with me. Anyways as things were changing, and may be for the good, I was still stuck with one thing that should have changed long back. I will explain that later, but today what drags me back to blogging was one encounter with a strange friend of mine. We meet after a long time in Hyderabad. I was nostalgic about the place coz I have some really happy and soar memories of Hyderabad.

I came to Hyderabad for an official trip, I hate Hyderabad for numerous reason. But somehow I love the city also. Even though it played its part in separating me from my life, as a city it’s wonderful, especially because, this is the place where we meet after 9 months of gap. Well every time I Visit Hyderabad I make it a point to visit Madhapur, especially V.G guest house, Room Number 115. The dark Room which still echoes the words “I feel suffocated in this relationship, please don’t have any expectation. I want to be free, free from all the commitments and promises. Please give me some time, I need to come in terms with life, I need peace, I don’t need you……..”. very little I knew that that day my walk in Madhapur will lead me to a person, who’s thought would change my life forever, very little I had a clue that someone can have such high voltage impact on a person like me, who always do what he feels is the best. That day, I Meet a friend, who’s vision toward love and his conviction on love made me feel that my pain is nothing compared to his.

“We have meet before”, a Voice came from my left hand side. I turned to check who is the person. When I looked closely his face looked familiar but somehow I was so lost in my past memories that I wasn’t able to recollect who it was. My mind was scampering through to the database of names stored in my brain cells, but failed to find the name. Finally I had to ask, “Do I Know you”? His Smile, which again looked very similar and voice made me believe that we surely have meet before. “You surely do”, he replied. Then added saying, you look to be lost in your thoughts, thinking about your past, about the time when you last came here, trying to save your relationship, which was your life, or rather still your life. Thinking about how people have changed over the years, how everyone has moved on, you too, but somewhere your love hasn’t. Somewhere your feeling hasn’t. Thinking about the moments you have shared with your partner here. Thinking about all the non essential thinks of life. He stopped and I was stunned, how the hell on earth he knows what I was thinking, who the hell is he to comment on whether it’s essential or non essential, though in my mind I knew he is right. But still how can he say like this. He must have read the confused mixed with anger on my face, he quickly added, “Dude surprised to know that how come I know what going through your mind? Don’t be, it’s ok. I think we need to talk, we need to talk coz its high time you star realizing something before it’s too late. I looked at his eyes and there was conviction and sincerity. “He seriously wants to help me” I thought for a second, but my thought was interrupted by his voice, “come let’s take an auto to Eat street”. Somehow I followed him, still don’t know why. Its amazing when your mind and heart are not in sync with each other fools like me always ends up listening to heart and then pay a big price. But this time at least my heart took me to the right direction (or may be it always does, just that I never realized it. You know, its human nature to just to see the upper layer of the whole situation, ignoring the core part of it). We took an auto to eat Street. It was evening time and eat street is always very cool and not so quite with kids, family and also few couples hovering around there for food and boat rides. But still the smooth and unpolluted wind of the Husan Sagar, always help you relax.

We sat and ordered “Coke” (hope coke sponsor my Blog one day, I m giving them free mileage). I was looking eagerly at him to start the conversation only to found out that he was checking out some other couple who were seating adjacent to our table. I interrupted his peaceful sightseeing, “hello sir, are we here to check out few pretending to be committed but still unsure couples?” My voice clearly indicating my pissed off mood. He smiled and said “ Chillex Dude, Enjoy life, don’t always be in a hurry, coz at time moving too fast cost you your life. Same happened to you, you moved a little too fast and hence you find yourself in this precarious situation.” True was his statement, yes I indeed moved fast, but then who the hell he is to say something like this… and how can he say when he doesn’t have any clue to what happened to me, or does he know everything, who the hell is he? Questions were floating in my mind, but unfortunately they never came out. He looked at me and said “you know what this is the place where you once came with SC some time back and had a gala time, at that time you too were seating the same manner the couple are seating, face to face with eyes doing most of the talking. That moment is still there in your mind and heart, and many such moments will always be there with you. Coz its human tendency to remember the good times for ages. And as the matter of the fact your statement about this couple being pretending to be committed is nothing but your frustration on love and a failed relationship”. I was wondering from where on earth did he knew that I came with SC here sometime, he is SC’s friend? Is my love story such an inspiring one that everyone knows it. I was too confused with too many thoughts but still was not able to ask him who he was and how does he know all the details.

He looked at the husan Sagar and told see this, the waves right now are quite and a shooting wind is creating a environment of peace and calmness, people come here, eat, shop, couple hold hand, kiss, hug, have fun, you know why??? What a stupid question I thought, he continued “ Coz it’s a peaceful environment here, it very shooting. But think of it this way if by chance the river decides to get angry and gets agitated like us, what will happen? I looked at him and thought for a while, a thought crossed my mind that he might be referring to what happened in Mumbai coz of rain water, but hang on that was due to rain not coz of river water…..ohh GOD again too many thing crossing my mind again.

He continued “Dude water is an important part of our body, 70% water is there in our body and we need water, so water in a sense help us survive. But like human if he gets angry and agitated he will take the avatar of tsunami and destroy all mankind creation and mankind itself. It then becomes the dangerous, life threatening, killer cyclone, no more the peaceful water of eat street or the water that gives us life. I looked at him blankly, he understood, all his words were a high flyers for me, went straight over my head. “ See the whole crunch of the matter is anger only harms and gives pains, when water gets angry it takes the form of cyclone or tsunami, but on the other hand peace is something that always spread happiness and comfort. So not matter how difficult the situation is, no matter how challenging the task is, no matter how strong the pain is, one should always be patience and first understand the things rather than losing his temper and in turn hurting many”. Now I could make sense out of his high voltage logic, he was right in a way, but then we are human and we have right to get angry and I only use to lose out on SC, otherwise I was always a patience person. “ I know you only use to lose out on her coz in front of her you were yourself….no one else” somehow he started to reading my mind. He continued “ You know what the problem with you, you were over dependent on her, you never understood one thing that the situation in college and in Hyderabad were different. There in college she could pamper you, listen to you, stand by your side every time coz you were the only thing that she had there to concentrate on. But for the situation changed in Hyderabad, there she has her career, her family, her own life plus a also a good friend from her angle and villain from yours. My friend every human, no matter how great or bad he/she is will always think about herself or himself first. She also did the same, not that she was selfish, just that what she wanted from you she never got that”. He touched a very sensitive cord of mine, I may pretend to be very strong in front of everyone, may pretend that it doesn’t matter to me if SC is there or not, I a over her, but deep down I also know how much I miss her every day. She is the only person for whom I cried almost every day for the last one year. Sounds strange na, yes I did and all by my self, I use to cry almost every night in front of her photo. And I still do.

“I never complained that she was selfish and she left me, who ever asked or came to know about it, knows the fact that it was my mistake, I have accepted all the faults and I m paying a bigger price for it, I have lost my life, my peace, my everything. I know I made loads of mistake, but not for once was my love for her compromised. I am a human, may be a immature one, but then I seriously love her, I do” I said, and almost breaking down during the last few words. “ I know, and who batter then me will know, who has seen you cry every now and then. I know you never blamed her, I know you tried you best to maintain some sort of friendship with her, just to make sure there is no awkwardness among you two. But then again it didn’t work out, right?”

“Yeah”, I said and looked at him. “You see, no matter what happened between the two of you, no matter how much love dig’s gave her, you were her first love. She has spent 4 years with you, dreamt about you, might have lived a lifetime with you in her dreams and the reason why you love her so much is coz she loved you more than anything else in her life. So it’s not easy for her to too move away from you so easily. Hence think of it this way had you still been in her life, neither you, nor she nor dig’s would have been happy. At least at your expense they are happy. Why can’t you be happy with this fact that the person you love the most is happy.”

“you always said na love is not about me, or you, it about us. Let me quote you on this “ pyar main kabhi koi hisaab kitab nahi hota, kuch kaam jada nahi hota, main nahi hota tum nahi hota, agar hota hai to bas hum”. Love is not about calculating the fact that how many time you called I or called, how many time you came or I came, how many time you took the initiative or I did, it not about how much time you give me or I spend with you, it only about us, whatever we did together is what make us, is what make our love stronger. Unfortunately these are words which will always remains word in this so called Practical World.” Right was he, if today I tell this to people they will laugh at me and will tell me that such things are good in films only, in reality nothing like this works out. But for me they are my bible and somehow this individual whom I still haven’t figured out, knew the meaning of my words and feeling, amazing isn’t it? At times, rather most of the time people close to you don’t understand or believe your words, but here is one individual, whom I don’t know, is seating next to me and speaking about my life and most importantly is in sync with my feeling. As I was wondering about the whole consequence, he spoke again “You know why I got hold of you today, I could have done it any other day, but why I choose today as the day? I was clueless more so I was wondering am I that easily accessible that he can get hold of me any day!!! “Today as you were taking a work down the memory lane thinking about various things about past and present, about SC’s well being, about your loneliness and was getting a little jealous about Digs, I thought today is the right day as one year is a long enough time to overcome one hurdle or trauma, or emotional outbreak, whatever you name it” he continued. “You tired everything possible to get her back, to forget here, to move on, tried even wowing other woman, but your commitment remained intact on its place till date. Love is not just about one moment, it’s about a lifetime, and in those 4 years with SC you have lived a lifetime. You never went ahead with anyone, even though people came to you. You did indulge the thought of initial move with few woman, thinking if SC can move ahead forgetting you completely you too can. But you couldn’t, till date you couldn’t “. I was speechless, he was right. “You know why you couldn’t partially coz you always compared them with SC and none were as good. They had their specialty but with none you could share that comfort zone. No people are same and you knew it, but also knew that the person who can fill in the space of SC need to have the power to draw you out of SC’s thought and make you think about her. You didn’t found anyone else meeting the initial requirement of yours. You as a perfect Piscean had some nice romantic imagination and none of the gal could fit into those thoughts of yours. Another prime reason why you could get out SC was coz of one fact, you never were able to stop loving here. You did everything to make sure you get some attention from here. You wrote apologetic mails. You tired being a Hip-hop cool dude, pretended to possess a cool charming dude like attitude, tried wowing gals, tried bother SC with weird smses, and many such things that kids does, and you too know it very well. But every time you failed. Mainly coz you are not that kinda of person. You are not what you have become, you have changed coz you think you were never good enough or else SC won’t have left you. But the fact remains is that you needed to be a little more matured and patience” he was hitting all the right cord, don’t know why he looked to be a killer form, very similar to the form Shewag was in when he hit the fastest triple century by an Indian. The best part of the whole conversation was, that person was amazingly true in his word and analysis of myself.

To be Continued....................