The Inner Albatross: Part 4
Posted by Saurangshu Kanunjna | Posted in | Posted on 1:01 AM
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Anvisha is my younger sister’s friend.… I meet her for the first time in Kol…. When she was visiting her elder brother’s place….. since then we came across each other on and off 3-4 times.. But didn’t interact much…. As those meeting were generally very short.... We never really spoke in length during those meeting… till the time when we meet again in Delhi… I still clearly remember that night… it was my nephew’s b’day party at my sis’s Gurgoan flat…. She also came and was suppose to stay back…. That was the time when we interacted in length… I remember after dinner, we both decided to take a walk to grab some ice cream, we did the “walk the talk” and shared many details… though I was the dominant speaker, but she too opened up a bit …. The problem with anvisha has always been that she is slightly reserved…. She is an extremely good listener, but pathetic when it comes to open up and speak her mind….. So I was the one who was doing bulk of talking…. Since then we started communicating regularly……… either she would drop me a sms or we would chat online, at time would call each other… slowly but steadily we found loads of similarities and common stuff to talk about… and with time we become good friend…. The icing in the cake was when she moved to gurgaon after getting a job…. That was the time when we really came close…..
I don’t know why with her there was difference….. I generally don’t allow any woman to rule me… rule my thoughts, rule my mind and heart…. Anvisha was one such woman….with whom I started being what I am.. she is kiddish yet she is matured, she is funny at the same time she is strict… she is soft and she is rough… she is stubborn and yet she is understanding…. She is complete fun to be but at the same time she is sensitive… she is emotional and she is stable…. She is a baby, a girl, a lady, a woman…. Anvisha.. I really don’t know how to make you understand what she is…. With her around I forget all my problem and tension, she brings a positive energy… seeing her smile, crib, cry makes my day……… as we came closer I could see multiple personalities of her….. at one point she would behave like a little baby and the very next minute she would fight over nothing…. You never know when the moods swing in which direction…you need to on your toes with her.. coz the every minute she could be happy and the very next minute she could be bored with the whole thing… And how can I forget a complete foody.. she though don’t eat much but still love to eat non-veg food….. “delhi walo ki khoon main chicken basa hua rehta hai”….
It’s strange how human mind work… in the initial phase I never had any expectation from the relation I was developing but as we came close… don’t know why, when and how I started thinking in a line which was dangerous…. We become very good friend and that was the point when I started thinking that we could be more than friends….. and most often than not that’s the mistake we do… I hardly knew her for few months and I started seeing my ideal woman in her…. What I did was I probably subconsciously started setting an expectation standard…… had I not done that probably I would not felt the pain when I came to know that she is already “committed”….. the Line between friendship and the next step is very very thin… we never really realize when we cross it…. I had to take my step back but probably by that time it was too late…….
But does her being committed restricts me from loving her or reduces my love and expectation from her…. I don’t think so… I still love her and will do so…. It doesn’t matter what is the relationship… the feeling matters to me……. I never let her know my feeling for her… but I m sure he also knows that I love her……….. irrespective of the relationship we share… we both love each other and probably that’s what we call “Best Friends”……. She understands me and I can from her tone and words tell u whether she is upset or angry or something is bothering her……… she can guess my mood by my voice and way I speak….. Doesn’t that prove the understanding we share…… I love to fulfill all her wishes…..all her demand…. Even if it means when she say come and meet me in Delhi… no matter what’s my monitory condition I do travel… coz I know that will make her happy and that’s the world for me. …. When she demands me to come and have lunch with her… no matter how important meeting I have or even if I have work to be done….. I do go and have lunch with her… juz to make her happy…. I don’t mind to work late but I cant say No to her… no way…… its not that I don’t hurt in the whole process or don’t have expectations… I do have.. its juz that I never let expectation overpower my love for her……. so when she is with a group of people, or with her BF if she forgets to call me or reply to smses… I do feel the pain.. may get really upset… but then with time I do realize there are other priorities too.. and I never make an issue out of it….. I love it when she gets possessive for me…… but I never show my possessive feeling……. She might not have time for me at times…specially when she is with her loved ones… but that no way means I am not important….and hence even though at times it hurts and pains I never make and issue out of it and try to be demanding……. The whole point is… I try and make sure that my expectation doesn’t overpower my love for me…. Expectation will surely be there… that’s but obvious…..but one need to know how to control expectation……automatically u will see you will have more control over the relation…… I belive a relationship goes through a turmoil when the load of expectation grows up… when we start to take things for granted and start expecting in a particular way…..what we forget is to be flexible with our expectation and desire……. I adjusted my expectation when it came to anvisha…. Coz for me anvisha as anvisha is more important than anvisha as my life partner or GF……. For me she as a person is the most important things…….
“ Ha Raj main anvisha ki hi baat kar raha hu…..”..
“Kaha hai wo abhi…. Is she still in Delhi?”
“Yup delhi, finishing her studies… MBA kar rahe ha imam”
“And where is Ashwini, that was her Boy friend name right?”
“yeah, he is in Chandigarh…. Ek dum mast hai” I replied with a smile..
“Waise main ne anvisha ki baat isliye ki kyuki teri kahani ko teri aur se na dekh kar agar ek aur point of view se dekha jai to kuch baate shayed aur bhi clear ho jayengi…..”
“Main samjha nahi…. Iss dusre point of view aur anvisha ka kya len den hai bhai”
“Samjha ta hu….. Tu anvisha ke bare main janta hai… aur ashwini ke bare main bhi.. right?”
“Yup, jitna tune bola hai”
“wahi…. Aur tu yeh bhi janta hai ki kahi na kahi mujhe bhi anvisha se mohaabbat hai..right?”
“Yeaaaaahhhh” a prolonged yeah mean he was probably guessing in the right direction and may be was in sync with what I was goin to tell him..or maybe not..
“you know the problem with us is that….. we see one situation from one point of view only.. not from others point of view…. Tu ne kya kabhi apne app ko Simran ya DJ ki jagah rakh kar socha hai….. agar koshish bhi ki hogi phir bhi, your own thought would have superpower your consciousness… see I can understand Simran’s stand or DJ’s feeling better than you can.. simply coz I can relate to them….simply coz I know what goes though the mind of a third party……. Main ashwini se nafrat nahi karta… but I do feel the pinch when he drops down from chandighar and anvisha is with him … but does that stops me from loving anvisha….I don’t think so….. Raj as I have mentioned before love is free…. It can’t be bounded within a parameter of a relation….. it can’t be….. otherwise you would not have continued loving Simran so much….. I think in the whole process you have not putted yourself in Simran’s shoe… Raj you want to kill the umcomfortableness..but that’s your feeling..or your thought…. You feel it….. but for Simran it might not exits…. She might not even think in this line…… who knows if at all you people meet, she might speak to you and then you will feel there is no uncomfortableless….. right now you are just going by presumption…. Or assumption… there is no concrete proof to it….. Raj ek baar Simran aur DJ ki aur se soch…… wo ek alag zindagi jee rahe hai.. jaha Raj nahi hai.. aur na uski koi jarurat hai…… if you look at yourself now….. tu bhi zindagi main kafi aage nikal aaya hai.. tere sets of friends are different from the time you were in school and then in college……. Raj I know it’s important to kill the inner albatross but then it’s also important to understand the practicality of life………
“Anvisha and Ashwini are madly in love with each other and they soon will get married also…….. and I know anvisha for more than a year now… god forbid if at all they do go through a turbulent phase……. I will support anvisha not ashwini……. And it might look to ashwini that I am trying my chances and am trying to break his relationship….whereas I m just plainly supporting my best friend….wrong or right I don’t care …… and if they do end up breaking up…. Ashwini will think I did it and I m responsible for it……though the reason could be completely separate………..but that’s how ashwini will see it…. in such situation no one is wrong actually…. Neither ashwini…nor simran…not even me ….. its just how we see and from which angle… or else you can say each one of us are to be held responsible…..which ever way you want to see the whole thing…you would realize that the context will change accordinly..Raj tu samjha raha hai main kya bolne ki koshish kar raha hu”.
“I agree…. Main samjh raha hu…… main janta hu DJ ya Simran ki koi galti nahi hai… and I accepted the fact that, I blamed DJ to hide my own incompetency to balance a relation. Aur main yeh bhi samjh ta hu ki Simran is leading a completely new life…… probably so am I…. I know all this…. But still the inner voice keeps telling me that I need to do something to sort things out….. I can’t bear the fact that Simran and I share such uncomfortableness…. Like many other I don’t know why I just can let things be like this ….. maybe It will take me some more time… See I have come a long way and I am not unhappy or sad or lonely or anything… I just have an inner desire and hope that one day I can address it… its not like I want to change everything today…. I don’t want that.. its not that I am stuck with Simran and cant’ think of anyting else… its not even that… its not that I haven’t moved on….. I have and a long way… but still I am need to answer my inner desire… I need to taken off the burden of the inner albatross.
“Raj pata hai meri inner voice mujh se kya kheti hai….. wo kheti hai ki why are you bothered about what is your relaitionship with anvisha….you love her… keep loving her… that’s the important part…..relationship will take care of itself……. And I m doing it…. and trust me I am happy coz of in her atleast I have a very good friend……. And i am sure she knows the fact that how much I love her… similarly Raj, why are you bothered ki uncomfortableness hai ya nahi hai….. don’t try and define your love for Simran….juz let it be as it is….. set it free…..jab use khatam hona hoga… wo ho jayega…main yeh nahi kehta ki apne ander ki awaz ko nazar andaz kar de…… let time take care of it… the more force you put to answer your inner desire… you might end up worsening the whole situation further…… khetey hai na…. jab bhi koi sache dil se kuch bhi mangta hai.. uski wish puri hoti hai…. Kya pata one day.. simran will understand or might herself realize that all this while you were trying to just kill the uncomfortableness…and you are now more stable and matured then what you use to be……”
“hmm.. I know SK and I m not pushing things this time around….. I will wait for the right time… neither I m emotionally weak… all this while I have emerged a much more stronger person and more stable than I was ever before….So no way I m in a hurry… or will try and make things happen… yes it would be nice if I can kill the inner albatross, but then I am in no hurry… waise tere liye difficult nahi hota anvisha ko ashwini ke sath dekh kar…dard nahi hota”
“to be honest…… ab jada nahi hota…phele phele hota tha… bahut hota tha…….jab wo mere sath hoti thi…phir bhi ashwini se ghanto baate karti thi aur main baitha rehta tha…… jab ashwini uske sath hota aur wo mujhe bhool jati….. phir main ne apne inner voice ki awaz suni… aur analyse kiya ki main kya sahi kar raha hu… kya meri soch and feelings sahi hai… and I got the answer….. So ab I don’t feel the pinch much.. and now that I have shifted to Mumbai….ab to jada pata bhi nahi chalta ki kya chal raha hai…… anvisha ne kabhi mujhe apne dard se rubaru nahi karvaya….. aaisa nahi hai ki I am that close or anything…its just that she is way to reserved……. And I never force her to say or do anything… kabhi kabhi uski baate ya kuch harkatey bahut dard deti hai…. Jaise ki agar hum me koi jhagra ya miss understanding hui ho and I try and speak to her or drop her a msg and she doesn’t reply back……. Or doesn’t speak up…… main complain nahi karta… na hi use apne dard ka ehsas dilata hu……kyuki main janta hu ki she doesn’t do it intentionally… she is like that……you know anvisha will be the only girl probably jis ki har galti ko main ne nazar andaz kiya….. kabhi kabhi anjane main bhi aagar wo mujhe dard de jati hai to bhi I have never given any mileage to it….. I have never kept any kind of complain about her… har waqt koshish yahi rahi hai ki main use sirf khusi du..sirf khusi… I try my best to make sure ki uski har wish ko main pura karu and try and make her happy…I have always try and understand her.. and trust me dude its not easy to understand woman….. Raj it’s important that you try and understand your loved one… why they behave in a particular way… why they react in a particular way.. hum agar unhe samjh jaye to shikayatey kam ho jayengi….. So now it’s doesn’t hurt… and I have become a good friend to both of them…… though I will always be partial towards anvisha……”
“Tera kabhi maan nahi kiya use apne dil ki baat bolne ka…..??”
“hmm… maan karta hai aur main bolta bhi hu… but ha but sirf ek dost ki tara se….. I have never loved her to get her… I loved her coz she is a wonderful person….. and that’s what matter to me…. Anvisha as anvisha…… I don’t know why we complicate things so much by defining love in certain boundaries….. I have decided to set my love free…. And I am happy…. May be yes I miss having a so called “Girl Friend” in my life…. but atleast I m happy that I have a lovely girl who is a wonderful friend….who is my life to me…….So I have no complains.. and I know when the right time will come I will meet my Miss Right”
We both looked into each other’s eye… and shared a nice laugh… a celebration of an achievement…. A celebration of friendship and love…. Celebration of understanding our inner soul better and listening to the voice of heart…. Celebration of addressing “The Inner Albatross”
Concluding part will be posting soon.....
