Beyond Life............

The Inner Albatross: Part 4

2009-04-06T01:01:00.005+05:30

Anvisha is my younger sister’s friend.… I meet her for the first time in Kol…. When she was visiting her elder brother’s place….. since then we came across each other on and off 3-4 times.. But didn’t interact much…. As those meeting were generally very short.... We never really spoke in length during those meeting… till the time when we meet again in Delhi… I still clearly remember that night… it was my nephew’s b’day party at my sis’s Gurgoan flat…. She also came and was suppose to stay back…. That was the time when we interacted in length… I remember after dinner, we both decided to take a walk to grab some ice cream, we did the “walk the talk” and shared many details… though I was the dominant speaker, but she too opened up a bit …. The problem with anvisha has always been that she is slightly reserved…. She is an extremely good listener, but pathetic when it comes to open up and speak her mind….. So I was the one who was doing bulk of talking…. Since then we started communicating regularly……… either she would drop me a sms or we would chat online, at time would call each other… slowly but steadily we found loads of similarities and common stuff to talk about… and with time we become good friend…. The icing in the cake was when she moved to gurgaon after getting a job…. That was the time when we really came close…..

I don’t know why with her there was difference….. I generally don’t allow any woman to rule me… rule my thoughts, rule my mind and heart…. Anvisha was one such woman….with whom I started being what I am.. she is kiddish yet she is matured, she is funny at the same time she is strict… she is soft and she is rough… she is stubborn and yet she is understanding…. She is complete fun to be but at the same time she is sensitive… she is emotional and she is stable…. She is a baby, a girl, a lady, a woman…. Anvisha.. I really don’t know how to make you understand what she is…. With her around I forget all my problem and tension, she brings a positive energy… seeing her smile, crib, cry makes my day……… as we came closer I could see multiple personalities of her….. at one point she would behave like a little baby and the very next minute she would fight over nothing…. You never know when the moods swing in which direction…you need to on your toes with her.. coz the every minute she could be happy and the very next minute she could be bored with the whole thing… And how can I forget a complete foody.. she though don’t eat much but still love to eat non-veg food….. “delhi walo ki khoon main chicken basa hua rehta hai”….

It’s strange how human mind work… in the initial phase I never had any expectation from the relation I was developing but as we came close… don’t know why, when and how I started thinking in a line which was dangerous…. We become very good friend and that was the point when I started thinking that we could be more than friends….. and most often than not that’s the mistake we do… I hardly knew her for few months and I started seeing my ideal woman in her…. What I did was I probably subconsciously started setting an expectation standard…… had I not done that probably I would not felt the pain when I came to know that she is already “committed”….. the Line between friendship and the next step is very very thin… we never really realize when we cross it…. I had to take my step back but probably by that time it was too late…….

But does her being committed restricts me from loving her or reduces my love and expectation from her…. I don’t think so… I still love her and will do so…. It doesn’t matter what is the relationship… the feeling matters to me……. I never let her know my feeling for her… but I m sure he also knows that I love her……….. irrespective of the relationship we share… we both love each other and probably that’s what we call “Best Friends”……. She understands me and I can from her tone and words tell u whether she is upset or angry or something is bothering her……… she can guess my mood by my voice and way I speak….. Doesn’t that prove the understanding we share…… I love to fulfill all her wishes…..all her demand…. Even if it means when she say come and meet me in Delhi… no matter what’s my monitory condition I do travel… coz I know that will make her happy and that’s the world for me. …. When she demands me to come and have lunch with her… no matter how important meeting I have or even if I have work to be done….. I do go and have lunch with her… juz to make her happy…. I don’t mind to work late but I cant say No to her… no way…… its not that I don’t hurt in the whole process or don’t have expectations… I do have.. its juz that I never let expectation overpower my love for her……. so when she is with a group of people, or with her BF if she forgets to call me or reply to smses… I do feel the pain.. may get really upset… but then with time I do realize there are other priorities too.. and I never make an issue out of it….. I love it when she gets possessive for me…… but I never show my possessive feeling……. She might not have time for me at times…specially when she is with her loved ones… but that no way means I am not important….and hence even though at times it hurts and pains I never make and issue out of it and try to be demanding……. The whole point is… I try and make sure that my expectation doesn’t overpower my love for me…. Expectation will surely be there… that’s but obvious…..but one need to know how to control expectation……automatically u will see you will have more control over the relation…… I belive a relationship goes through a turmoil when the load of expectation grows up… when we start to take things for granted and start expecting in a particular way…..what we forget is to be flexible with our expectation and desire……. I adjusted my expectation when it came to anvisha…. Coz for me anvisha as anvisha is more important than anvisha as my life partner or GF……. For me she as a person is the most important things…….

“ Ha Raj main anvisha ki hi baat kar raha hu…..”..

“Kaha hai wo abhi…. Is she still in Delhi?”

“Yup delhi, finishing her studies… MBA kar rahe ha imam”

“And where is Ashwini, that was her Boy friend name right?”

“yeah, he is in Chandigarh…. Ek dum mast hai” I replied with a smile..

“Waise main ne anvisha ki baat isliye ki kyuki teri kahani ko teri aur se na dekh kar agar ek aur point of view se dekha jai to kuch baate shayed aur bhi clear ho jayengi…..”

“Main samjha nahi…. Iss dusre point of view aur anvisha ka kya len den hai bhai”

“Samjha ta hu….. Tu anvisha ke bare main janta hai… aur ashwini ke bare main bhi.. right?”

“Yup, jitna tune bola hai”

“wahi…. Aur tu yeh bhi janta hai ki kahi na kahi mujhe bhi anvisha se mohaabbat hai..right?”

“Yeaaaaahhhh” a prolonged yeah mean he was probably guessing in the right direction and may be was in sync with what I was goin to tell him..or maybe not..

“you know the problem with us is that….. we see one situation from one point of view only.. not from others point of view…. Tu ne kya kabhi apne app ko Simran ya DJ ki jagah rakh kar socha hai….. agar koshish bhi ki hogi phir bhi, your own thought would have superpower your consciousness… see I can understand Simran’s stand or DJ’s feeling better than you can.. simply coz I can relate to them….simply coz I know what goes though the mind of a third party……. Main ashwini se nafrat nahi karta… but I do feel the pinch when he drops down from chandighar and anvisha is with him … but does that stops me from loving anvisha….I don’t think so….. Raj as I have mentioned before love is free…. It can’t be bounded within a parameter of a relation….. it can’t be….. otherwise you would not have continued loving Simran so much….. I think in the whole process you have not putted yourself in Simran’s shoe… Raj you want to kill the umcomfortableness..but that’s your feeling..or your thought…. You feel it….. but for Simran it might not exits…. She might not even think in this line…… who knows if at all you people meet, she might speak to you and then you will feel there is no uncomfortableless….. right now you are just going by presumption…. Or assumption… there is no concrete proof to it….. Raj ek baar Simran aur DJ ki aur se soch…… wo ek alag zindagi jee rahe hai.. jaha Raj nahi hai.. aur na uski koi jarurat hai…… if you look at yourself now….. tu bhi zindagi main kafi aage nikal aaya hai.. tere sets of friends are different from the time you were in school and then in college……. Raj I know it’s important to kill the inner albatross but then it’s also important to understand the practicality of life………

“Anvisha and Ashwini are madly in love with each other and they soon will get married also…….. and I know anvisha for more than a year now… god forbid if at all they do go through a turbulent phase……. I will support anvisha not ashwini……. And it might look to ashwini that I am trying my chances and am trying to break his relationship….whereas I m just plainly supporting my best friend….wrong or right I don’t care …… and if they do end up breaking up…. Ashwini will think I did it and I m responsible for it……though the reason could be completely separate………..but that’s how ashwini will see it…. in such situation no one is wrong actually…. Neither ashwini…nor simran…not even me ….. its just how we see and from which angle… or else you can say each one of us are to be held responsible…..which ever way you want to see the whole thing…you would realize that the context will change accordinly..Raj tu samjha raha hai main kya bolne ki koshish kar raha hu”.

“I agree…. Main samjh raha hu…… main janta hu DJ ya Simran ki koi galti nahi hai… and I accepted the fact that, I blamed DJ to hide my own incompetency to balance a relation. Aur main yeh bhi samjh ta hu ki Simran is leading a completely new life…… probably so am I…. I know all this…. But still the inner voice keeps telling me that I need to do something to sort things out….. I can’t bear the fact that Simran and I share such uncomfortableness…. Like many other I don’t know why I just can let things be like this ….. maybe It will take me some more time… See I have come a long way and I am not unhappy or sad or lonely or anything… I just have an inner desire and hope that one day I can address it… its not like I want to change everything today…. I don’t want that.. its not that I am stuck with Simran and cant’ think of anyting else… its not even that… its not that I haven’t moved on….. I have and a long way… but still I am need to answer my inner desire… I need to taken off the burden of the inner albatross.

“Raj pata hai meri inner voice mujh se kya kheti hai….. wo kheti hai ki why are you bothered about what is your relaitionship with anvisha….you love her… keep loving her… that’s the important part…..relationship will take care of itself……. And I m doing it…. and trust me I am happy coz of in her atleast I have a very good friend……. And i am sure she knows the fact that how much I love her… similarly Raj, why are you bothered ki uncomfortableness hai ya nahi hai….. don’t try and define your love for Simran….juz let it be as it is….. set it free…..jab use khatam hona hoga… wo ho jayega…main yeh nahi kehta ki apne ander ki awaz ko nazar andaz kar de…… let time take care of it… the more force you put to answer your inner desire… you might end up worsening the whole situation further…… khetey hai na…. jab bhi koi sache dil se kuch bhi mangta hai.. uski wish puri hoti hai…. Kya pata one day.. simran will understand or might herself realize that all this while you were trying to just kill the uncomfortableness…and you are now more stable and matured then what you use to be……”

“hmm.. I know SK and I m not pushing things this time around….. I will wait for the right time… neither I m emotionally weak… all this while I have emerged a much more stronger person and more stable than I was ever before….So no way I m in a hurry… or will try and make things happen… yes it would be nice if I can kill the inner albatross, but then I am in no hurry… waise tere liye difficult nahi hota anvisha ko ashwini ke sath dekh kar…dard nahi hota”

“to be honest…… ab jada nahi hota…phele phele hota tha… bahut hota tha…….jab wo mere sath hoti thi…phir bhi ashwini se ghanto baate karti thi aur main baitha rehta tha…… jab ashwini uske sath hota aur wo mujhe bhool jati….. phir main ne apne inner voice ki awaz suni… aur analyse kiya ki main kya sahi kar raha hu… kya meri soch and feelings sahi hai… and I got the answer….. So ab I don’t feel the pinch much.. and now that I have shifted to Mumbai….ab to jada pata bhi nahi chalta ki kya chal raha hai…… anvisha ne kabhi mujhe apne dard se rubaru nahi karvaya….. aaisa nahi hai ki I am that close or anything…its just that she is way to reserved……. And I never force her to say or do anything… kabhi kabhi uski baate ya kuch harkatey bahut dard deti hai…. Jaise ki agar hum me koi jhagra ya miss understanding hui ho and I try and speak to her or drop her a msg and she doesn’t reply back……. Or doesn’t speak up…… main complain nahi karta… na hi use apne dard ka ehsas dilata hu……kyuki main janta hu ki she doesn’t do it intentionally… she is like that……you know anvisha will be the only girl probably jis ki har galti ko main ne nazar andaz kiya….. kabhi kabhi anjane main bhi aagar wo mujhe dard de jati hai to bhi I have never given any mileage to it….. I have never kept any kind of complain about her… har waqt koshish yahi rahi hai ki main use sirf khusi du..sirf khusi… I try my best to make sure ki uski har wish ko main pura karu and try and make her happy…I have always try and understand her.. and trust me dude its not easy to understand woman….. Raj it’s important that you try and understand your loved one… why they behave in a particular way… why they react in a particular way.. hum agar unhe samjh jaye to shikayatey kam ho jayengi….. So now it’s doesn’t hurt… and I have become a good friend to both of them…… though I will always be partial towards anvisha……”

“Tera kabhi maan nahi kiya use apne dil ki baat bolne ka…..??”

“hmm… maan karta hai aur main bolta bhi hu… but ha but sirf ek dost ki tara se….. I have never loved her to get her… I loved her coz she is a wonderful person….. and that’s what matter to me…. Anvisha as anvisha…… I don’t know why we complicate things so much by defining love in certain boundaries….. I have decided to set my love free…. And I am happy…. May be yes I miss having a so called “Girl Friend” in my life…. but atleast I m happy that I have a lovely girl who is a wonderful friend….who is my life to me…….So I have no complains.. and I know when the right time will come I will meet my Miss Right”

We both looked into each other’s eye… and shared a nice laugh… a celebration of an achievement…. A celebration of friendship and love…. Celebration of understanding our inner soul better and listening to the voice of heart…. Celebration of addressing “The Inner Albatross”

Concluding part will be posting soon.....

The Inner Albatross..: Part 3

2009-03-23T23:28:00.006+05:30

“I knew in you I would find a good listener, I knew like other you won’t ask me why I am still hooked to Simran. You know SK I m not hooked to her or waiting for her to come back....I know the Simran who use to love me madly is lost somewhere…. I know she will never be mine… probably she was never mine…. I know now I have no importance in her life… I am just a bad past of her.. may be she might not even want to see my face again in her entire life…. Its not that she hates me or dislike me… she just figured out that we are not meant to be together.. which is perfectly fine and I have accepted it too… I have accepted life as it is…. But somewhere somewhere my inner voice and inner soul was not in peace…. I ran away from here coz I didn’t wanted to face her…. I thought may be new place, new people, new stuff will occupy my mind and I would be able to forget her and everything and start life fresh… I tried everything, parties, clubbing, work, gals, everything possible…. But somewhere somewhere my inner voice was trying to tell me something… I have everything today, yet my mind and soul is not at peace… there was something something that needed to be addressed.. that needed to be understood…. I tried telling myself that it’s of no use to think about simran and all those past stuff… life is about moving on and making new relation…. Turst me SK… I have moved on a long way…may be in the mist of all these feeling I have understood what I wanted and desired… I could hear the voice of my inner soul clearly… I know it never tells me too go and get back Simran. It never says that I was wrong or she was wrong or about the relation…. It never talks about the guy probably whom I hated the most around that time… It never says that the guy was at fault or tells me to hate that guy or anything in that line…… you know what it tells me…… it tells me to love…. It tells me that love the person… not the relation… it tells me love never says that you have to be in a relation to love someone…… it tells me that I should try and make sure that in future may be 20 years down the line, when I came face to face with Simran or that guy I should not be remembered as a painful past…… it tells me that I should do something that will make simran believe that I have moved on that I m no more the emotional sentimental Raj… someone who was a kid not a husband… I should try and reach out to her somehow and try and create a new memory…. I shouldn’t be remembered as a painful past…. i should try and create new memory, so that tomorrow if Simran speaks about me.. she can say Raj, I know we are friends and is a good guy.. I should be remembered by her in a positive way…. My inner soul tells me that the person who made me what I m today…. The person who made me realize what love is and what being loved is..should not remember me as a pain point in her life……. I should try and do something that would eradict any painful memories and rewrite a new script in her mind….. maybe I can be both her and the other guys good friend… may be I would be just a person she knows… aaj wo uncomfortable feel karti hai mere naam se….. kahi na kahi ek dard attach hai mere naam ke sath.. ek past jise wo bhula chuki hai…par wo uska picha nahi chor raha hai… ek failed relationship.. main nahi chahta ki wo mujhe iss tarha yaad kare… ya main uske zindagi ka aaisa dard bhara hisa ban kar reh saku…….usse ne mere liye itna kuch kiya hai…. Main iss ehsas ke sath chain se nahi jee pata ki jisne mujhe pyar karna sikhaya… jo mera bhagwan hai.. … main uski zindagi ka dardnak yaad hu…… main uss dard ko mitana chahta hu…. Main chahta hu ki kal aagar hum rubaru ho to wo uncomfortableness na rahe…. Wo bhi khul kar aur main bhi khul kar ek dusre se baat kar sake.. jaisa hum college main karte the……jo bhi ho.. hum dost the… bahut aache dost.. shayed main uss dosti ko wapas pana chahta hu……. U know shayed hum phir kabhi na mile… par if I m able to do this… if I m able to del any sore memory from her mind and feel it with new good memories… then I can answer my inner soul….. then my soul will be at peace and maybe I can live my life peacefully and die peacefully.. varna yeah burden mere upar reh jaiga….. honestly main nahi janta main kaise karunga… but this is something I have to do….. otherwise I won’t be at peace….. aj main darta hu usse… use face karne se… shayed uska chera mujhe dekh kar utar jai…. The tone she spoke to me for the last few mails and last time was not the way she is….. I know she doesn’t hate me… but I also know that she doesn’t want to see my face ever again and speak to me ever again… that’s ok with me.. but I wanted to kill the uncomfortableness we both share… I want to make sure.. that when we or if we ever meet…. We can meet with the same ease and comfort as we use to meet in college…. Coz I know she hasn’t change as a person and I too haven’t change much..she still has the heart of gold… she still is the same friendly and every helping and ever loving and never complaining Simran she was in college… this is why I thought I must revist my country and try and see if I can find out a way by which I can do what I want to do….”

“you want some water?”

“yeah water would be fine and coke also.. need some energy drink to carry on… “ it was good to see a smile on his face…..

We were indeed in middle of some deep soul searching talk. I was able to understand what he was trying to say… may be I have grown with age and have seen too many love stories to understand the difference……. I know Raj fully understands the meaning of moving on… he has moved on with life.. otherwise he would not have been where he is today…. If he wouldn’t have understood he would have been another modern Devdas… something like Dev D… well I know he is not waiting for simran and is open to new relation…I know he is not saying ki “hum jite ek baar hai, mart eek baar hai, shadi bhi ek baar hoti hai….. aur pyar bhi ek baar”. I know he is not cribbing and crying for the fact that he lost the most important things of his life…… I know he is not in a terrible state of affair…its just he wanted to make sure that the person he loves the most....the person who help him to be what he is… the person who is his god… should not even for once think about him in negative frame of mind or with negative energy….. he knows that she might now even think about him.. she might not even be bothered whether he is alive or dead… whether he is happy and sad… whether he is just surviving or living… she has moved a long way ahead…. But he wants to kill the uncomfortableness that exists today.... he wants to rewrite the memory so that tomorrow if they come face to face to each other they can at least greet each other and speak like normal people do… and like normal friends do… he want to make sure his God should not have any uncomfortable feeling or may be in straight word…. He wants to eliminate all the pain and sore memory they once shared and go back to the time when they were best of friends…. In short he wants to seat in a time machine and go back to the time when they were very good friend…. He want to rewrite past into future…….. sahi kaha hai kisi ne…”life’s greatest learning is hidden in past”. agar hum apne past main jhak kar dekhe to we can learn a lot of things and from that learning can prevent it from happening in future……past is a great teacher… we should never ignore it….

“Raj…. Shayed tu sirf apne angel se soch raha hai….. may be she doesn’t want to be friends with you again ever… coz tu use humesha past ki yaad dilayega… and the guy who knew everything about you and have meet you may not want her to revist her past…. kya pata it might spoil her life….. as u will remind her of all those sour moments”.

“Exactly this is what I want to kill…… and I know I can do it…… she still think I am too emotional and main emotion ke flow main bheta ja ta hu…. That’s not true… when I say I have no complains against the guy… I not only say it I mean it…. usse wahi kiya jo koi pyar main karta hai……. Uska pyar sacha tha aur paak tha…. He is able to keep her happy and satisfy her needs…… yes I agree I putted all blame on him for our breakup… par shayed wo meri kamjori thi … I couldn’t accept the flaws in me….. see I don’t think he is responsible coz I know it is never like that…… he did what a person in love would have done…. If you love someone you love her… there is no if and but… no true or false… simple…..DJ ne pyar kiya tha Simran se… aur usse uska pyar mila…….. I use to blame him .. may be coz we human have a tendency to put the blame on some other person and escape from the situation….rather than accepting our fault and working towards improving ourselves…main ne bhi wahi kiya… main ne usko blame kiya coz I wanted to hide my own incompetency and inability to love Simran and keep her happy…. So I have no problem with DJ… and this is exactly what I want them to know…… I want to kill this thought in their mind ki I m sour moment in their life…or something like that… may be I don’t need to do that..and let each one of us live happily….. I should not be selfish and think only about my peace… I should let them live happily as they are living…… honestly I am not going to do it also……”

Now I was getting confused… if he is not going to do it.. then why speak about it..

“tu soch raha hai na.. ki agar main karne nahi wala to main befizul ka baak kyu raha hu iske baare main…. coz I have no option…… din ba din mere ander ka soul mujhe bolta hai kuch kar kuch kar… badal daal sabkuch….. I am not able to live in peace… I have to live with this pain that the person I love the most.. … I am the only sour and painful memory of her life…. I cant’ bear that…. but I have no option then to accept it and live with it…….. coz I can’t change it…. the moment I try and do it.. I will disturb her…. Her life and may be her peace… I tired doing it by mailing her couple of time…but she didn’t replied…… and I don’t want to disturb her or her peace…. I have to do it strategically… wait for the right time….. wait for the time when may be God will again smile and will grant my inner most desire……. May be one day God will only script it for me to meet her and change the whole thought process and may be rewrite a new story…………I don’t want to rush.. I have paid the price of rushing to things previously and I don’t want to make the mistake again…I want to ensure that I take only the right foot forward at least when it concern Simran……I am waiting for that day with hope in my eyes and believe in my heart… dekhte hai kab aata hai wo din…….

“ To tu basically janta hai tujhe kya chahiye…but tu yeh nahi janta kit u usse hasil kaise karega…. Well dude don’t worry.. when there is a will there is a way…..”

Well his situation was complicated…may be he himself was not able to clearly state what he wanted from life and from Simran……….. maybe he knows what he wants but is not able to express his desire…… what I got from the conversation so far is that for him more than the relation the person matters… he loves the person… irrespective the relation….. invariably you would find human having a tendency to love a relation..not the person…. if two lovers part off due to some miss understanding or something they don’t ever see each other face, or hate each other with same madness as they use to love each other……. If two friends have a fight or argument they part off with a promise that they will never be friends again… ditto for two brothers who declare war on slightest of fight…. Many more such relations..where in we just care about the relation not the love for the person…. we say people change…. But I believe what changes is not people.. but situation and relation…. If we can understand the whole thing better, maybe we will see less hatred among each other and more love……. What happen in a relation is that we start expecting in a particular manner….. depending on the relation we share… and if that expectation is not meet we get hurt and think that ohhh the person has changed or he/she don’t love the way they use to do………. But in mist of everything we forget the person we love… we forget that the person we love is same……. we forget we are judging the person as per our expectation and not on the basis of what he is….. we forget the fact that we love the person because of what he/she is… and not coz of the relation we share with that person…… relation to baas naam hai…. Hum apne feeling to tarha tarha ke naam de deta hai……. Par ashliyat main pyar ka koi naam nahi hota.. wo ehsas hai.. kisi relation ka mautaz nahi… agar pyar hai to pyar kar…… yeah maat soch ki rishta kya hai….. rishtey ka naam kya hai….

One thing I understood and which Raj was not able to state clearly was the fact the Love is such an energy which cannot be tied in the name of relationship or any such parameters. You cannot force things to happen…. Everything happens at its own course of time…. Khete hai na waqt se phele aur kismet se jada kise kya mila hai… when something has to happen it will happen… at times its important to understand this and wait patiently for the right time to arrive…… if you set free your expectation and if you are ready to wait…. And patiently if you work towards your wish…. More often than not….your wish will be granted…. Not coz it’s destined to be granted but coz u have worked towards it……. Raj knew if he rushes into things now in a hope that things will be all right there is a strong chance that he would end up on the wrong side…. But rather if he hold back and wait for the right time to come… he will be giving himself one remote chance to fulfill his wish…… he was right… he need to wait a while and see how he can make it happen…..

I have seen many people being in touch and infact being good friends after an intimate relationship…… which makes me believe that certain relationship are just not meant to be that way…. But the good part is that they don’t let one failed relation impact the other one…. .. I believe every individual has his own way of handling a situation and handling a break off….. in RAJ case Simran might have figured out that Raj is an emotional person and if she doesn’t behave a little strict and rough with him.. he might not be able to come out of it…. and come in terms of life… .. I know she wouldn’t in the remotest dreams have thought of hurting Raj… I know it for sure…… at times few things are just not meant to be…..may be what she didn’t realize is that they ended the relation in a sour note with a feeling of discomfort… something which is bothering Raj……. And something he wants to correct, so that he can be free of the burden of the albatross…. He wants the albatross to be taken off his neck……….. and only and only Simran can help him……. But the problem is Simran has walked a long way away… She now has a new and different life…. and its right also… we all need to move on with life.. Raj to has, but the only problem is Raj is not like any other guy who will let thing go as it is….. as long as the albatross is not taken off him… he will not be in peace… the only question is how… coz the only person who can make this happen is Simran and she has moved way too forward to come and help……..

“Raj teri meri kahani main ek baat ki similarity hai…… tune dosti kho di mohabbat ke waste aur main ne mohabbat kho di dosti ke washte……..” with a smile I told Raj

“Tu Anvisha ki baat kar raha hai na” Raj was the only person who had some idea about my feeling towards anvisha…….as I have shared some details with him once…. Anvisha… uske baare main kya batau… wo dekhne main to ladki hai.. infact bahut khubsurat ladki hai.. but nature main subhan allah….. I wonder ki bhagwan ne kahi galti se isse itni sundar ladki to nahi bana di… challu d great hai….. she knows how to get her work done… very friendly and has a big heart….. she is an resident expert in telling lie.. and she would say that with so much of innocence that you will never come to know that she just bluffed you….. a true bluffmaster…….anvesha… Big eyes… extremely catchy smile.. very attractive and beautiful… I won’t be surprise if you see her and fall in love…. When I saw her first time I too was like “Wow..what a beautiful girl”…..Anvisha… a girl whom you meet only once in a life time…

Anvisha and my story to be continued.....

The Inner Albratross: Part 2

2009-03-22T15:45:00.006+05:30

That day much to my disappointment…. I had to get up to open the door ….. For about couple of second I was just staring at him, as if I have seen some real ghost or something…. “abe oye ghurta hi rahega ki ander bhi aane dega”…those words from Raj confirming that I am indeed standing in front of a Ghost.

Raj… “naam to suna hi hoga”… is my school buddy..we were best of friends during school days and much until we got busy with our new life in our respective colleges… I still remember he was one of guy who was always ready to help anyone and everyone, someone who is genuine from heart and is very supportive character. Never in my dreams had I thought I will meet him in Mumbai (of all places) and that too in my home. We were in touch through facebook and Gtalk but for last few months or may be close to a year time he stopped coming online and we never really got time to update each other of our life’s latest and greatest things.

“Salle tu kaha se aa tapka? Aur tujhe mera address kis ne diya….kaha tha itne dino se.. koi khabar hi nahi?” I fired at him my set of questions, not allowing him to settle down also. With a smile he replied…. “sab bata ta hu,phele baith ne to de”. As he relaxed his Ass on my bed, I offered him some coffee and biscuits. “Wow man, coffee shoffee…sahi hai yaar… sab sikh gaya lagta hai”.

I don’t know why my friends and family still think I am the same nikamma lazy chap, who hates cooking and all other kitchen stuff. But then no matter how much I dislike doing it still, I am left with no option, Mumbai is expensive city man.

“Ha yaar waqt jab laat marti hai to sab sikha deti hai, tu coffee pi aur yeh bata tu yaha kaise??” I was still not able to come in term with the fact that he was in my house in Mumbai.

“I landed in India today early morning around 4.00am from London. Since my flight was landing in Mumbai I thought I will hang in here for a day so that I can meet you. It’s been 8 years since we last meet”.

“Sahi main yaar pata hi nahi chalta waqt kaise nikal jata hai, aur up lately you have stopped coming online also. Waise tujhe mera address kisne diya?”

“Facebook ke profile main you have mentioned your address sir ji, wahi se dund dund kar hum aa gaye”

“Wow, smart ho gaya hai tu yaar…. Facebook ke messages ka reply nahi deta but address wahi se dund nikale sale”

“Tu aam kha yaar gultiya kyu gin raha hai”.

I was thrilled and at the same time there was a calmness within me, don’t know why these days nothing thrills me much, honestly nothing. May be with age and experience the youthful exuberance dies or maybe I was just bored with my life… don’t know what was the matter, but I know I have changed, I have become much more subdued then I was before.

“so hoz life NRI Raj, Kintne din ki chuti main aaya hai?? Plan kya hai tera?” my round of questions still not over.

“NRI: yeah for sure, non reliable Indian..(his witty smile was his trademark during school days and it was good to see, it still is.) yaar plan to yeah hai ki main kal jar aha hu Kol, waha se Guwahati and then will be at home for around 10days and phir back to London, planning to take parents along with me this time around. London main ek ghar liya hai, so want mom and dad to see it”

“oot tari ki tune ghar bhi le li… itna paisa aaya kaha se… tu Don shon to nahi ban gaya na…(as usual I am off humor)

“abe ghar li hai wo bhi rent pe aur wo bhi twin sharing” tere tarha akele nahi rehta 1BHK main aur wo bhi Mumbai main” (he surely has done his homework….pathar ka jawab itt se…)

“Aare yaar majburi hai, akele kaun rehna chahta hai bol…par koi salla milta ya milti hi nahi live-in ke liye” (It takes me a little time to get my humor right, just like a tube light)

“aaah I can guess why you are staying all alone and denting your pocket with huge rents, Guwahati main ja kar aunty se baat karni paregi lagta hai. Waise suna hai Mumbai main kafi sare GAY’s hai… tu unki gintiyo main to nahi aata na…”.

“chup be sale. Angrez….Waisa kuch nahi hai yaar..abhi umar ho gayi hai na… so have lost the adjustment ka stamina… abhi when I can afford I feel I should stay alone.. I love my space ya..mujhe jada bheer pasand nahi hai…and more over yaha mere aache dost bhi nahi hai..wid whom I m comfortable sharing house….and waise bhi these days I prefer loneliness”.

“We all do love our space dude, but then akele zindagi nahi chalti… aur na hi koi chala pata hai….. I am all alone in London, I know how much it is important for a person to have friends and family around. Waha paisa to hai… par zindagi nahi hai..khushiya bhi salla pound main toil jati hai…… par zindagi ki aasli khushi thore na kaagaz ke noto main hai….. I have realized one thing, if you are not happy within no matter how much you earn or what you do, you will never be able to treasure any kind of happiness or relations” suddenly I could feel that he was getting a little emotional. I can understand deep down something was there that was hurting him or something that he himself didn’t know about was bothering him.

I had to continue the discussion, so that I can understand better what the matter was or it is just that for last 2 year he is out of country so missing everyone….or maybe I am reading too much between the lines, it could just be an intellectual pass on my statement.

Even before I could speak up he continued… “I know I might be sounding emotional, to be honest it is this emotional connect that has brought me back to you and my country, 2 years ago I ran away to London, not coz I got excellent job opportunity, but coz I wanted to ran away. Mujhe me situation se larne ki ya usse face karni ki himaat nahi thi…. You can say I was a coward. But tab mujhe ek hi rashta suja to ran away from situation…. Aur main bhagore ki tarha bhag gaya….”

“Raj kya bol raha hai yaar… kya hua.. chill dude aaisa kuch bhi nahi hai” I got concerned seeing his moist eyes, now I was sure that something is seriously wrong.

I was aware of the history slightly; I knew the person he loved the most, moved on in her life, leaving him in despair. He always maintained it was his fault and he always use to say.. chalti ka naam gadi hai… hume chalte jana hai.. hum musafir hai yaaron.. mazile badalte jana hai… though I didn’t know what exactly it means but I m sure there is some logic to it…. I wanted to know, I wanted to help my friend, more importantly I always admired his love for his better half. There are few love story which can teach you a lot, his is one of those. I am sure if ever aditya chorpa comes to know his love story and his vision towards love, we might see Hindi cinema’s biggest love story ever, well jokes apart my friend seriously need some help.

He continued with smile on his face and rubbing his moist eyes, an attempt to clear the cloud of tears surrounding his eyes. “Sorry yaar main bhi kaha emotional attyachar main pauch gaya” (surely he has watched DEV D recently)

“oye DEV D ke puttar, jada chu chu maat kaar… sorry worry apne pocket vich rakh.. aur thik thik gaal kar…. Kya hua… tu abhi bhi Simran ko bhula nahi paya” (ignore my attempt to speak Punjabi, I don’t know why being a bong, seating in Maratha land, talking to another bong, I decided to speak in half Punjabi…. May be that’s what India is all about….among all diversity… there is a strange similarity)

“kash meri story DDLJ types hoti… happies endings….salle ma baap ne naam to sahi rakha but upar baitha Aditya chopra (read as GOD) ne script pura jhol kar diya… puri kahani hi baddal dali..” We both shared a slight laughter and he continued

“Baat simran ko bhulane ki nahi hai yaar. baat usko pane ya khone ki bhi nahi hai…. Dost main ne zindagi main ek cheez jana hai… if we are unhappy there can be two things, one is to adjust with the unhappiness and accept it and try and find happiness around it, or else try and understand why we are unhappy, try and find happiness. Simran did exactly that…. college ke baad shayed humare sochne ka dhang badal gaya tha… earlier she thought main hi uski khusi hu uski duniya hu.. she had never experience love before I came to her life.. I was a refresh from the stereotype guys…. meri haar galti ko wo apne pyar ke dhache main dhak deti.. meri haar berukhi ko wo mera sach man kar apne pyar main laapet leti….. aur main yeh samjh baithta ki she understands me and will understand me…. Main ne maan liya ki wo waise hi rahegi zindagi bhaar…par wo thore na koi putla hai… shayed main ne uski dil ki baat kabhi samjhi hi nahi…. Jab use meri jarurat hoti main shayed tabhi kahi aur hota…… main usse thik se samjh nahi paya…coz she was so adjusting and understanding I never realized that may be I m forcing my decision and wishes on her… may be I m taking her for granted and maybe I m not understanding that she is adjusting and compromising a lot of thing. Uska pyar mere liye itna paak tha ki she never made me realized what all compromise and adjustment she did for me. She never ever complained about anything..anything what so ever…aur main bewakuf kabhi samjh hi nahi paya ki wo bhi insaan hai..and she also has her wish and her desire..its not just being there its more deep down..somehting I won’t be able to explain in words..… yeah nahi tha ki main usse pyar nahi karta tha.. but kahi na kahi uski inner wish ko main pura nahi kar pa raha tha.. wo jitna aacha mujhe samjhti main usse samjh nahi paya… uske liye mere ankho ka ek isara kafi hota… par wo mujhe ishaare pe isshare deti jati aur main nahi samjhta…. She was right I was immature to handle the situation…. She was right she needed a husband not a kid as her better half……so I seriously don’t have any complaints against her.. jab wo bahar aayi zindagi ke dusre roop se ruba ru hui tab shayed uski khusia alag ho gayi.. aaisa nahi tha ki she didn’t gave me chance to improve and understand..but as she would say… this was not meant to be… today if I know what love is its coz of her…. Today if I know what’s being loved is its coz of her….. log bagwan se pyar karte hai… bagwan to pyar ka ultimate masiha khete hai.. people say GOD never talked about hatred or violence, God only believes in Love…. If that is the case then I m not wrong when I say she is my GOD… coz today agar main pyar ka thora sa bhi janta hu, wo issliye kyuki usne mujhe pyar ki ahmiyat aur pyar ki sachai se rubaru karvaya….. agar main aaj pyar ko thora bhi samjh sakta hu aur uski izzat karta hu that’s coz she made me realize how important love is in one’s life…She is my GOD.. coz for me she is the definition of LOVE….. I still remember when she was with me jab bhi koi mujhe LOVE ko define karne bolta I use to say for me love is Simran….and today also even though physically she is not with me I still say for me definition of love hasn’t change its still Simran…. And like hum apne GOD ko bhula nahi sakte… main use nahi bhula sakta….. aur shayed ek baar main Simran the person ko bhula bhi du… par kaise bhulau use Pyar ko jis se rubaru usne mujhe karvaya tha….. kaise bhulau LOVE ko….so its not about Simran my ex girl friend, it’s a totally different feeling and uss ehsas ko samjhna ya samjhana ashan nahi hai mere dost.. ashan nahi hai….. over the last two year I have learned few things… main ne koshish bhi ki kuch logo ko explain karne ki… but no one understand so I decided to keep the feeling within me only… coz I know what it is all about.. I know and only I understand….its not too practical you see… its philosophical…. Which has no meaning or resemblance to real life… and practical life…”

A long pause after a really long speech… or rather should I say philosophical dialogue…..

I had some idea about what he was speaking, we often in practical life tell ourselves or people around us to forget the past and move on….. We say you need to be matured enough to understand a fail relationship and look ahead…. Life never stops.. aur bhi bahut aayengi…. And its true also after all chalti ka naam gari hai…..but I knew, I had an idea what Raj was speaking and what he meant…. I knew exactly what was going through his heart and the feeling within.

“Main yeah to nahi keh sakta ki main samjhta hu…. Kisi aur ka dard aur uska pyar..koi aur, kabhi us intensity se nahi samjh sakta… but main janta hu tu kya kehna chahta hai… main yeh janta hu ki u r not complaining neither cribbing for the fact that why simran has left you….. I know if you ever expose this part of your life to anyone, people look at it as a sign of weakness…… wo yeah samjhte hai ki tu emotionally kamjor hai… waqt se larne ki himmat nahi hai tujh main…… par wo yeah nahi samjh pate ki baat larne ki nahi hai… haar jeet ki nahi hai…. Khone pane ki nahi hai… baat hai ek ehsas ki…. Use feeling ki jisse rubaru hona har ek ke bhagya main nahi hota…… tu sahi hai… practical baat nahi yeh… aur shayed philosophical baat bhi nahi hai.. it’s a feeling which is personal… you have experienced it… may be few other across the globe has.. or may be loads of people have… but then no one talks about it.. coz we have been taught not to speak or think about past….and focus on future”

The conversation was getting more philosophical than anything else… somewhere we both touch a topic which we both are sensitive too.. suddenly in each other we found listener to our inner voice… so far whenever we needed to talk about this topic we only spoke to ourselves, as we knew no one would understand us… whenever we tried expressing it to the world, people first time use to listen and invariable would say…. Forget past and move on… aur abhi bahut log aayenge… and many more practical gayan…. And next time round they won’t even listen to it….. but today probably we found in each other a listener who would understand and hence we continued.. Continued to share our part of the story.

Conversation Continues.....

The Inner Albatross......: Part 1

2009-02-02T17:49:00.003+05:30

It was drizzling that day, even though it wasn't a heavy drizzle but still good enough to create slight panic among the on goers... No one expected the rain God to smile so early in the year, as I was rushing for shelter I could notice the anguish on many people's face, thanks to the unexpected drizzle that was slowly transforming into a mild rain. I was inches away from my building when the drizzle decided to be a bit more aggressive and started to pour heavily. But like most hindi film heroes, I was able to save myself, though got partially drenched. Honestly seating on the 10th floor in the balcony with a coffee mug in your hand, you tend to forget the plight of all the people battling the rain in the road (luckily I saved myself from the similar plight moments ago) and enjoy the watery blessing from heaven.

Seating on my balcony with coffee in my hand, I thought of enjoying the not so pleasant rain.... that’s how Mumbai is for all of us… "Kisi ki musibat kisi ka maza ban jati hai"... a line meant perfectly for Mumbai or may be for everywhere. Bas kuch pal phele hi main iss musibaat ka hisaa tha…. Aur ab isse ka maaja utha raha hu… strange… but true…

I moved to Mumbai..may be destined to move here...or may be another litmus test after a long and challenging 1 and half year in Delhi, then a comfortable and easy going life in Bangalore, it was time for another challenge called "Mumbai". I still remember as a child I always wanted to live in Mumbai, always wanted to be part of the big world of "Hindi cinema" (like many greats even I don’t like the word “Bollywood”).... things have changed drastically over the years, I have developed some sort of allergies towards big cities..... And certainly had no intension of coming to Mumbai and settling down here. But as they say destiny had something else planned for me.

I was sitting in the balcony enjoying the rain and drinking a cup of coffee when suddenly the door bell rang… honestly life greatest learning comes to you unexpectedly… when you are not prepared or least expect it…. the main trick it to grab it or realize the hidden learning behind such events/incidents….. who knew that outside the door that day was an experience of a life time… an experience that helped us understand or bring us face to face too our inner most desire…. something we are scared to talk about or discuss, something that never gets its due importance and one day when we are in verge of our end we realize that we have left the most important desire of our life unaddressed…. An unfulfilled wish… We human have a tendency to take the safe route out…. Escape from the situation or not to face the pain that’s there inside our heart…..during our course of life… we make relation and desire for certain stuff…. Not always it is possible that all our wishes will be fulfilled. But then there are certain desires which we carry with us thorough out our life…… I and my friend Raj had such desire… I don’t know whether this conversation has any logic, practical significances or importance..Not sure if people can connect with what we talked about…whether anyone else in this earth will ever understand what we both desired and wanted… whether anyone will be benefited from the conversation..Whether our conversation will enlighten someone else’s life…or inspire someone…I don’t know nor am I interested to know ... but that day for us.. We visited our respective inner most desire…..something we wanted to address but didn’t know how and when…….. all we knew is that we want certain things and we will wait for the right time to come and give us that… we won’t let our inner most desire, no matter how painfull it is to die or fade away with time…we need to kill that desire so as to live a guilt free life… and we know we will one day….….

23rd May Part 2

2008-08-25T11:09:00.002+05:30

The problem with you is that you are too emotional and take hasty decision, somewhere in your consciousness you might have judged the whole situation completely but still will take a decision which is not logical. You paid the price of being immature and is still paying the price”. “we can’t change the truth that SC is no longer with you, we also can’t change the truth that you still love, we also can’t change that fact that life moves on, so you also have too.” His words were hitting me hard, every time someone brings SC’s topic up, I somehow become too emotional. I really wish once just for once SC allow me to speak to her, once she should forgive me, I till date think she hates me, what kills me is the fact that she has forgotten even the friendship we use to share, as I was again going deep down my thoughts, the nice gentle ghost interfered. “I know you want to get in touch with SC again, coz you want to prove her that you are not that bad a person, there is a heavy load on yourself about the fact that she hates you and doesn’t want to even speak to you, doesn’t want to see your face also. But my dear friend for the last one year the situation has been like this only and every time you wanted to speak to her she even drifted further off from you. The reason is best known to her, but all I know is that you have become very weak emotionally and mentally over this period. My dear friend you pretend to be more matured and sensible, may be to an extent you have become a little more matured but if you are matured enough you should also realize that SC is never going to come back even as a acquaintance”. Probably I know that fact, but then at time heart just wants to believe the fact that I have permanently lost the most precious thing of my life.

I tried telling him that I did try and forget SC by many ways but each time I use to get doubly hurt which would eventually make me weaker. In fact I did start liking another female. And probably she was the first one whom I didn’t compared to SC, the more I came to know about her more closer I went to her. But as they say every good thing has to come to end, so was my dream. I somehow again felt that GOD is smiling on me and made me meet a better person than SC and also I started believing that may be she is the one for me. She is the only Girl who could make me forget SC completely, she was just perfect. I was really falling for her and again got a reason to smile and be happy. Unfortunately again I made a mistake of hurrying things up, I gave her my heart just to know that she has given her to someone else already and they are well settled in the relationship. It did hurt me a lot, coz had she informed me about her status before I would have never let myself go so ahead so soon. But then it wasn’t her fault again. It’s just my luck. Why on earth do I fail so miserably in love, first SC and then ……..

“Hey buddy, life is not just about one relationship, GOD will give you many chances, sometime you would miss some and some time you would hit some. There is someone somewhere made for each one of us”. That was a SRK dialogue from “DIl to Pagal Hai”…… “Buddy look at this way, you got to experience the true and purest form of Love not many gets such opportunity. You would invariably find many people having multiple partners and relationship and none as pure and true as you had with SC. Cherish the relationship as you have so far done, don’t let it be a pain point in your life, make it your strength. I know today also you cry in front of her picture and talk to her when you are down. Even though physically she is not there with you, you are still connected to her someway. I also know what people would say if they come to know you do such stuff, they would make fun and laugh at you, which is obvious, coz they are different human being, very different from what you are. What’s amazing is that once you meet that Girl with whom you fall in love again, you actually become more stronger emotionally than otherwise, even after knowing that she is engaged you didn’t break down so badly, you took it sportingly and most importantly she has somehow replaced SC in many of your thoughts and it wouldn’t have been surprise that she would have been the perfect partner for you. Anyways my point is the day you would find the right woman, you would not be so weak and so venerable. Just that you have to wait for that day to come. Till than you still have your SC with you, the one you knew in Asansol, the one who loved you more than anything else. She is still your strength, don’t ever make her your weakness. And get ready for life, life main abhi bahut kuch karna hai……” wow he can speak in hindi also, each and every point of his were right, he was perfect in his analysis, and the most amazing part was he knew each and everything without me telling him anything. How can this be possible? I was wondering when he spoke again “ you know you are basically a very weak hearted person, right since childhood you have been a reserved person, never opened up in front of anyone, not even your own family. If you remember you were always the patience guy in the family, whenever people use to shout and screamed you were the one who use to hold his nerve and be quite. Be that person, not the one whom I m currently meeting. You have a sense of responsibility and you know your duties, always remember life is not just about a single person. You are responsible for your parent’s well being also. And I know today if you are living you are living for them. Its coz of them that you are fighting with all your pains and not letting them knows about your suffering. You know what you really need someone with whom you can open up everything, I know SC was the one and after SC the only person you were ready to open us was the one who already belonged to someone else. But then always remember that you never believed that you can ever fall in love again with any other girl, but you did. So there is still some hope left, may be someone is there waiting for you, let the right time come you would automatically know”. I nodded in agreement. Seriously after a long time someone was able to hit the cord right with me, someone who came from nowhere, whom I could still recognize and someone who knew everything. I wanted to ask him whom he was, how did he manage to know everything, does he has some supernatural power, what is it???

Before I could fire my round of question he said the final words “ Buddy I know you won’t lose and you won’t let me loss, all I want to tell you is, even though in our life we might not have the special person to share every pain of our life, even though we might have lost the very important thing in our life, we will always have a very very special friend with us, who would know everything that is going in your mind and heart. And that special person is our inner voice, the voice of our soul. We can cheat on the whole world, we can camouflage our feeling in front of best of friends but not in front of our self. So whenever you want to speak, just call me I would be there with you always and forever, and trust me I will only speak for your good. He smiled and I could now recognize him slightly, I think I know him. I think I have seen him, he is very very familiar….but who is he…….suddenly his face started fading away….suddenly the whole scene looked blur…what is this happening….i felt like shouting…I was not able to see a clear view……..right now everything was clear and now its all blur and hazy. Suddenly I heard some one calling my name “Mr Sau…….Mr sau this is the last and final boarding call for Mr Sau flying in Kingfisher flight IT…… “ wow I woke up to realize that all this while I was sleeping in Hyd airport waiting for my flight to bangalore…. So eventually whatever happened, happened in a subconscious mind….i was actually speaking to myself….wow that person was none other than myself, my inner voice….amazing isn’t it. I boarded the flight but that trip did help me sort out some of my life’s unsolvable problem. But not all..even after knowing all the facts and practicality of life….the heart still wants to visit the golden days of my life……. really time never comes back…..it just fly…… one should enjoy the today, rather than hoping and praying for a better tomorrow. Wish I can follow my own saying :)

23rd of May

2008-07-21T11:13:00.001+05:30

It’s been some time since I last blogged. Life has fully changed since the time I last posted. I shifted my base from Delhi to Bangalore. Change of job means new adjustment, new beginning, and lots of new things. While I was trying to settle down in a new different environment I hardly realized that it’s the month of May that I have arrived. Month of May have been a pathetic time for me twice in my life, once during 2001 and again in 2007, and the best part is both time the date also was within striking distance, 25^th for the first instance and 23^rd for the second one. I never have been able to figure out why May is so annoyed with Feb (that’s my birth month). I am not too much into astrology but then I know this much that Pisces and Taurus do make a good pair, if there is any fact in this equation then Feb and May should complement each other rather than being a thorn in the neck. At least that’s the case with me. Anyways as things were changing, and may be for the good, I was still stuck with one thing that should have changed long back. I will explain that later, but today what drags me back to blogging was one encounter with a strange friend of mine. We meet after a long time in Hyderabad. I was nostalgic about the place coz I have some really happy and soar memories of Hyderabad.

I came to Hyderabad for an official trip, I hate Hyderabad for numerous reason. But somehow I love the city also. Even though it played its part in separating me from my life, as a city it’s wonderful, especially because, this is the place where we meet after 9 months of gap. Well every time I Visit Hyderabad I make it a point to visit Madhapur, especially V.G guest house, Room Number 115. The dark Room which still echoes the words “I feel suffocated in this relationship, please don’t have any expectation. I want to be free, free from all the commitments and promises. Please give me some time, I need to come in terms with life, I need peace, I don’t need you……..”. very little I knew that that day my walk in Madhapur will lead me to a person, who’s thought would change my life forever, very little I had a clue that someone can have such high voltage impact on a person like me, who always do what he feels is the best. That day, I Meet a friend, who’s vision toward love and his conviction on love made me feel that my pain is nothing compared to his.

“We have meet before”, a Voice came from my left hand side. I turned to check who is the person. When I looked closely his face looked familiar but somehow I was so lost in my past memories that I wasn’t able to recollect who it was. My mind was scampering through to the database of names stored in my brain cells, but failed to find the name. Finally I had to ask, “Do I Know you”? His Smile, which again looked very similar and voice made me believe that we surely have meet before. “You surely do”, he replied. Then added saying, you look to be lost in your thoughts, thinking about your past, about the time when you last came here, trying to save your relationship, which was your life, or rather still your life. Thinking about how people have changed over the years, how everyone has moved on, you too, but somewhere your love hasn’t. Somewhere your feeling hasn’t. Thinking about the moments you have shared with your partner here. Thinking about all the non essential thinks of life. He stopped and I was stunned, how the hell on earth he knows what I was thinking, who the hell is he to comment on whether it’s essential or non essential, though in my mind I knew he is right. But still how can he say like this. He must have read the confused mixed with anger on my face, he quickly added, “Dude surprised to know that how come I know what going through your mind? Don’t be, it’s ok. I think we need to talk, we need to talk coz its high time you star realizing something before it’s too late. I looked at his eyes and there was conviction and sincerity. “He seriously wants to help me” I thought for a second, but my thought was interrupted by his voice, “come let’s take an auto to Eat street”. Somehow I followed him, still don’t know why. Its amazing when your mind and heart are not in sync with each other fools like me always ends up listening to heart and then pay a big price. But this time at least my heart took me to the right direction (or may be it always does, just that I never realized it. You know, its human nature to just to see the upper layer of the whole situation, ignoring the core part of it). We took an auto to eat Street. It was evening time and eat street is always very cool and not so quite with kids, family and also few couples hovering around there for food and boat rides. But still the smooth and unpolluted wind of the Husan Sagar, always help you relax.

We sat and ordered “Coke” (hope coke sponsor my Blog one day, I m giving them free mileage). I was looking eagerly at him to start the conversation only to found out that he was checking out some other couple who were seating adjacent to our table. I interrupted his peaceful sightseeing, “hello sir, are we here to check out few pretending to be committed but still unsure couples?” My voice clearly indicating my pissed off mood. He smiled and said “ Chillex Dude, Enjoy life, don’t always be in a hurry, coz at time moving too fast cost you your life. Same happened to you, you moved a little too fast and hence you find yourself in this precarious situation.” True was his statement, yes I indeed moved fast, but then who the hell he is to say something like this… and how can he say when he doesn’t have any clue to what happened to me, or does he know everything, who the hell is he? Questions were floating in my mind, but unfortunately they never came out. He looked at me and said “you know what this is the place where you once came with SC some time back and had a gala time, at that time you too were seating the same manner the couple are seating, face to face with eyes doing most of the talking. That moment is still there in your mind and heart, and many such moments will always be there with you. Coz its human tendency to remember the good times for ages. And as the matter of the fact your statement about this couple being pretending to be committed is nothing but your frustration on love and a failed relationship”. I was wondering from where on earth did he knew that I came with SC here sometime, he is SC’s friend? Is my love story such an inspiring one that everyone knows it. I was too confused with too many thoughts but still was not able to ask him who he was and how does he know all the details.

He looked at the husan Sagar and told see this, the waves right now are quite and a shooting wind is creating a environment of peace and calmness, people come here, eat, shop, couple hold hand, kiss, hug, have fun, you know why??? What a stupid question I thought, he continued “ Coz it’s a peaceful environment here, it very shooting. But think of it this way if by chance the river decides to get angry and gets agitated like us, what will happen? I looked at him and thought for a while, a thought crossed my mind that he might be referring to what happened in Mumbai coz of rain water, but hang on that was due to rain not coz of river water…..ohh GOD again too many thing crossing my mind again.

He continued “Dude water is an important part of our body, 70% water is there in our body and we need water, so water in a sense help us survive. But like human if he gets angry and agitated he will take the avatar of tsunami and destroy all mankind creation and mankind itself. It then becomes the dangerous, life threatening, killer cyclone, no more the peaceful water of eat street or the water that gives us life. I looked at him blankly, he understood, all his words were a high flyers for me, went straight over my head. “ See the whole crunch of the matter is anger only harms and gives pains, when water gets angry it takes the form of cyclone or tsunami, but on the other hand peace is something that always spread happiness and comfort. So not matter how difficult the situation is, no matter how challenging the task is, no matter how strong the pain is, one should always be patience and first understand the things rather than losing his temper and in turn hurting many”. Now I could make sense out of his high voltage logic, he was right in a way, but then we are human and we have right to get angry and I only use to lose out on SC, otherwise I was always a patience person. “ I know you only use to lose out on her coz in front of her you were yourself….no one else” somehow he started to reading my mind. He continued “ You know what the problem with you, you were over dependent on her, you never understood one thing that the situation in college and in Hyderabad were different. There in college she could pamper you, listen to you, stand by your side every time coz you were the only thing that she had there to concentrate on. But for the situation changed in Hyderabad, there she has her career, her family, her own life plus a also a good friend from her angle and villain from yours. My friend every human, no matter how great or bad he/she is will always think about herself or himself first. She also did the same, not that she was selfish, just that what she wanted from you she never got that”. He touched a very sensitive cord of mine, I may pretend to be very strong in front of everyone, may pretend that it doesn’t matter to me if SC is there or not, I a over her, but deep down I also know how much I miss her every day. She is the only person for whom I cried almost every day for the last one year. Sounds strange na, yes I did and all by my self, I use to cry almost every night in front of her photo. And I still do.

“I never complained that she was selfish and she left me, who ever asked or came to know about it, knows the fact that it was my mistake, I have accepted all the faults and I m paying a bigger price for it, I have lost my life, my peace, my everything. I know I made loads of mistake, but not for once was my love for her compromised. I am a human, may be a immature one, but then I seriously love her, I do” I said, and almost breaking down during the last few words. “ I know, and who batter then me will know, who has seen you cry every now and then. I know you never blamed her, I know you tried you best to maintain some sort of friendship with her, just to make sure there is no awkwardness among you two. But then again it didn’t work out, right?”

“Yeah”, I said and looked at him. “You see, no matter what happened between the two of you, no matter how much love dig’s gave her, you were her first love. She has spent 4 years with you, dreamt about you, might have lived a lifetime with you in her dreams and the reason why you love her so much is coz she loved you more than anything else in her life. So it’s not easy for her to too move away from you so easily. Hence think of it this way had you still been in her life, neither you, nor she nor dig’s would have been happy. At least at your expense they are happy. Why can’t you be happy with this fact that the person you love the most is happy.”

“you always said na love is not about me, or you, it about us. Let me quote you on this “ pyar main kabhi koi hisaab kitab nahi hota, kuch kaam jada nahi hota, main nahi hota tum nahi hota, agar hota hai to bas hum”. Love is not about calculating the fact that how many time you called I or called, how many time you came or I came, how many time you took the initiative or I did, it not about how much time you give me or I spend with you, it only about us, whatever we did together is what make us, is what make our love stronger. Unfortunately these are words which will always remains word in this so called Practical World.” Right was he, if today I tell this to people they will laugh at me and will tell me that such things are good in films only, in reality nothing like this works out. But for me they are my bible and somehow this individual whom I still haven’t figured out, knew the meaning of my words and feeling, amazing isn’t it? At times, rather most of the time people close to you don’t understand or believe your words, but here is one individual, whom I don’t know, is seating next to me and speaking about my life and most importantly is in sync with my feeling. As I was wondering about the whole consequence, he spoke again “You know why I got hold of you today, I could have done it any other day, but why I choose today as the day? I was clueless more so I was wondering am I that easily accessible that he can get hold of me any day!!! “Today as you were taking a work down the memory lane thinking about various things about past and present, about SC’s well being, about your loneliness and was getting a little jealous about Digs, I thought today is the right day as one year is a long enough time to overcome one hurdle or trauma, or emotional outbreak, whatever you name it” he continued. “You tired everything possible to get her back, to forget here, to move on, tried even wowing other woman, but your commitment remained intact on its place till date. Love is not just about one moment, it’s about a lifetime, and in those 4 years with SC you have lived a lifetime. You never went ahead with anyone, even though people came to you. You did indulge the thought of initial move with few woman, thinking if SC can move ahead forgetting you completely you too can. But you couldn’t, till date you couldn’t “. I was speechless, he was right. “You know why you couldn’t partially coz you always compared them with SC and none were as good. They had their specialty but with none you could share that comfort zone. No people are same and you knew it, but also knew that the person who can fill in the space of SC need to have the power to draw you out of SC’s thought and make you think about her. You didn’t found anyone else meeting the initial requirement of yours. You as a perfect Piscean had some nice romantic imagination and none of the gal could fit into those thoughts of yours. Another prime reason why you could get out SC was coz of one fact, you never were able to stop loving here. You did everything to make sure you get some attention from here. You wrote apologetic mails. You tired being a Hip-hop cool dude, pretended to possess a cool charming dude like attitude, tried wowing gals, tried bother SC with weird smses, and many such things that kids does, and you too know it very well. But every time you failed. Mainly coz you are not that kinda of person. You are not what you have become, you have changed coz you think you were never good enough or else SC won’t have left you. But the fact remains is that you needed to be a little more matured and patience” he was hitting all the right cord, don’t know why he looked to be a killer form, very similar to the form Shewag was in when he hit the fastest triple century by an Indian. The best part of the whole conversation was, that person was amazingly true in his word and analysis of myself.

To be Continued....................

Know the Reason Y

2007-11-19T21:44:00.002+05:30

I saw her today standing on the other side of the road............waiting...waiting for someone...It was raining heavily.......I could see the glimpses of her face......shining in the dark gloomy rainy day, her hand trying to hold the umbrella tight....trying to grip it properly...... fighting against the strong blowing wind.........so strong, holding umbrella was just an formality as she was already under the cover of the rain droplet...............I stressed my eye a little...tried looking in the finer details on her face.........a face which was my identity.....face which was synonymous to smile in my life.........She was waiting.........waiting for the rain to hold back, waiting for the world to stop over.....waiting for something to turn up...........she was waiting....

I took a step closer.......she run a little further.......I took another step closer....she found a shade for herself......i stopped......she relaxed under the shade............by now...her umbrella had betrayed her....she was under the cover of rain.......completely wrapped around with water.....her hair all wet and messed.................feeling a little uncomfortable as she was all alone in the shade with few unknown creature........dark unknown creature.......For a second i thought to go and comfort her......tel her look i m here with you...on the second thought i hold back.....coz i was darker side of her..........

She looked here and there....clearly searching for a better place to wait......rain GOD seems kind to me, he kept pouring his blessing........her face had many water droplets...but near the eye onces seems a lil different..............when looked closely it revealed that those are the special one......ones that comes from heart to the eye.......at time out of fear, pain, happiness.......i knew this time the reason was different.......she was missing the comfort....she was missing someone......

I wanted to go and tel her.....here i am don't worry, i took a step forward....she turned her back.....i took another step forward....a car blocked my road.....for a sec i couldn't see...next moment say wasn't there........my eyes looked every where........the sight of her wasn't there......restlessly.......i ran to the other side.........impatiently looked around......every thing seemed dark and blank.......i wanted to shout her name...but couldn't......i run here and there.....she vanished somewhere.......suddenly i turned back......i saw a bike standing on the other side of the road........when i looked closely..........it stood exactly there, where i was standing....the same point.........i saw her this time....minus the umbrella.....free as a bird....minus all burden....the face seems brighter...the rain wasn't a hindrance any more........the water no longer could wrap her on........she was smiling with glory.....she laughed and smiled.....i looked at her and realised she was not the same person i had visualized...she was not the same person...who onces was mine....though she looked the same, but there was a change.............she seat on the bike.........hold the shoulder of the person.......I looked down the road..may be a lil jealous.....but found enough courage too look up and see her again may be for the last time................I slowly looked up...only to see her looking towards me....wid eye which had millions of things to tell............All i could here was " thanks for your care......but you came out of your place early.....while trying to protect me and the thought of losing me.....provoked you to leave your place in and move towards the other side........what you didn't realize was that in the se time..... I was only trying to come to the position were you were.........from the other side......."

She phased away in the rain.........I went back to the place where i was.........her umbrella was there..............i stood there..............and still m standing there................waiting for another day...may be i will get another chance................and this time..........this time i would know the reason Y..........

Do you know the reason Y?????????????????

Love....Don't Just Love the person....don't love his/her heart.....don't love the mind and character...if you have to love then love the soul of the person..........Character Changes...heart can be replaced....mind get corrupted.....situation changes....relationships are formed and broken.......what is immortal is the soul......... AMEN.... :)

Where is the reason to smile.....

2007-10-04T12:07:00.001+05:30

Smile....the antidotes to most difficult phases in life........smile the most effective weapon against all pain and sorrow.....smile.....it can make any day look as beautiful as you can dream off....smile make u happy from inside...........but then smile is something meaningless without a reason.......we smile at each other..showing gratitude or respect...we smile at friends or colleague...synonymous to a warm hi.......we smile at meeting....we smile on something...but always their is a reason behind those smile........reasons that are well defined..........we smile in pains...we smile in vain...we smile to hide the tears....we smile coz we want to hide............i smile....i laugh....i try my best to make other believe i m happy....i m perfect........but smile without a reason is something i have failed to utilize....today i know how difficult it is to smile without your heart into it and without a reason....today my smiles are misleading.....are unquantified....are hollow...insignificant....are undefined.... today i smile coz of the outer world.... but i have lost the smile for myself......the reason to smile have lost....lost are the happiness within me.....Today i m wondering when will i get the reason......the reason to smile again.............when will i get the reason to be happy again.....till the reason comes along...i will keep smiling not for me...but for people around me.......smile without a reason...smile without the feeling .................. amen

These Days........Those Moments

2007-10-01T12:17:00.001+05:30

These days take me back down the memory lane ......i still can feel the excitement of October....the rush in the adrenal...the enthu in the air....the freshness of a special day coming...i can still feel the importance of this month....October. More than the joy of Durga Puja being round the corner and holidays coming...it was one day that i always look forward to.....there are very few days in a year that excite me to this level... there are very few moments that can replace this day in my life...... Today i know the person is not there with me........the joy have been swap with a void of the person not being there......but still m excited bout this month....till am thrilled and waiting for the day to arrive.....still it means a lot too me......still m hapi that Oct has arrived again. its this time of the year when i wan to buy the best gift in this earth...the most unique one....the one that will last in the memory forever......this is that time of the year when i wan to gather all the hapi things around so that the entire atmosphere is full of love and peace.......this is that time of the year when all problems of life is put behind and focus is solely on that day...which itself is very special.....i wish this time.....also i can cherish those moments...moments that are now my lifeline..i wish this time also i can do everything i m use to doing for past so many years.............please GOD give me the chance to cherish these days....with the intensity similar to those moments.........please give me this one last chance...........Amen... :)

Such Irony is Love

2007-09-15T18:52:00.002+05:30

Today again……something made me feel the irony of being in love……or rather loving someone. Today again my heart stop beating for a while…when I saw her name not with mine……..today again tears roll down my eyes…when I realized she is not mine…………today again I am lost in the thought of despair....today again love has shown its dark side…..today again my belief has taken a deep step behind……..Why is love like this……you want to end it but it still prevails………why does heart beats with the name…that have left everything in vain………….why do we love…….why love still prevails. Why……I don’t know why..all I know no matter what…love will prevail……you build the relationship or not…..you stay connected or not…..love prevails………and will always prevails……Love is special…love is a treasure….if get to cherish it in a life time……..few understand it 1s its lost……but Love is love…and I love to love…..her….even with the pain and agony….i still say…love is worth a life time……. :)

"The Initial Phase"

2007-08-09T12:44:00.001+05:30

Couple of days back, I came across this line "Discreetly in love". A special friend of mine used it a tag line in Gtalk.....the line kinda stuck on my head and somehow prompted me to think on a certain manner.....I tired to seek in some clarification....but then I had already interpreted something...so the need of really getting the clarification died down…as, in any case I didn’t wanted to break my belief. Anyways that was the beginning of a wonderful thought……rather a wonderful phase……in the last couple of month I have meet two people…… who are completely different from each other…….but they had few things in common……(or may be I am trying to draw something common between them)…..but they were in love………they were truly in love…and as I shared some thoughts with one of them….I realized something……when we are in love……..we all behave the same way…..Now last time I mentioned that when we are in pain…we think similarly………….and again I am stating that when we are in love…true love….we behave similarly……then is that an indication that we all are same????? I really don’t know the ans…….all I can say is being in pain or in love has similar feeling attached to it….its just that we behave a little differently as per our characteristic. I think I m deviating from the point….let me fix my focus again………………being in love is special….loving someone…….being loved by someone….unconditional love…….love that sees no reason…no boundary…..no obstacle…love that understand no practicality…..no pre configured notation………when in love there are few thing that matters to you………few things that bothers you……..all that matters to you is the person you are in love with…he/she becomes your life…………you soul…..your heart beat…………being in love is special.

I was chatting with a very sweet friend of mine….and she was anticipating the arrival of her soul mate after 1 years of separation……………….one must see the smile on her face……the excitement on her voice………….the way she gets lost in to her own world when one mentions her soul mates name………….she wants to shop..looks good……utilize the maximum time with him……she is so happy and excited…..all these somehow redirects me to the days when I started off my journey with my soul mate…………..days when life seemed so beautiful and wonderful…..i still remember the initial days…………….everything looked so very beautiful….so very peaceful. I knew that now I will have a person who loves me more than I love myself………and who’s love for me is not conditional……who’s love is genuine and pure………..I knew now I have someone with whom I can share all my pains and worries and who will support me and help me in all sphere of life.....there was rawness and freshness in whatever we did………..somehow over the years…..as we matured we have lost that rawness and freshness……I feel today there is more soberness involved in the love………….the craziest of things that we did is now a thing of past………..we are so confined with our daily life and professional mannerism that we somehow have lost that purity within us………its not that the love has reduced or we have become too mechanical…..i still love her with the same intensity but yes now I do think twice before doing crazy stuff………I think with every passing years you tend to behave a little too practically and accept the changes in life and prove that you have matured……………

Today I want to enjoy those lost moments again…….today when I see these kids enjoying the initial days of love……………today when I listen to them……It takes me back to my old days…………I also enjoy the moments with them….there joy…excitement …..happiness brings smile on my face also…………it revives me and helps me to think beyond my current mental status…….one of my friends was mentioning today only, that she keeps smiling whenever she thinks of the time ahead with her soul mate………………very similar to the feeling I had in my initial days……its almost like u find happiness in small small things……nothings seems impossible…….nothings bothers you….there is a different flavor to life…..the atmosphere smells differently….everything seems wonderful and minus any problem and tensions…….that’s the magic of being in love…and that’s the magic of being loved…………………and trust me blessed are those who get to enjoy these special moments of life and love....

Now does the feeling remains the same way all through………yes the feeling remains the same….just that with every passing days with things changing around us…we also tends to change and behave more smartly….and in process somewhere losses the innocence in us….......as life shows its own color and struggle, it tends to change our thought process and faith in life…….in those moment…..when we start feeling that everything is useless and start losing hope in life…………….its important to meet these new breeds of people……..I was blessed that I meet couple of people who have just started their relations……so with them I again enjoyed the initial phases of being in love……………and trust me this phases is special……I think every human soul should pass through this phase at least once……..I don’t know what’s lies in future for my friends but today I want to tell them that when ever they need a friend…I will be there…….may be I can help them when their relationship goes through a tough time……coz I have seen worst of condition and I know I will have to face even more pathetic condition….so probably my experience will help them and their relationship……………..but what ever it is….I want to see them blossom and their love blossom and hope that they never losses their purity and rawness….I hope every moment they are in love is an initial moment for them…………..I pray to GOD to fulfill all their wishes and fill their life with love and more love………

Love is beautiful…love is life………love is something we can’t define…. Its special to be in love….and its special to be loved….. Enjoy the moment….enjoy the love..

Life Beyond Pain and Worries............

2007-08-07T19:34:00.001+05:30

In this ever changing world….it difficult to find constant things in life. We are so confined with our self and life that we don’t look beyond…..beyond life…..beyond the love for a particular thing. As we grow we become mature…..mature I often wonder what is this words exact meaning….does it mean losing the purity in you….does it means being understanding and compromising…or does it mean accepting life as it comes and getting prepare for more worst thing in life…………..well not actually…. I think….there is more to it…..Recently one of my friend told me…. “Sau you are not matured enough………..” it still eco’s on my ears as in what does that mean……does that means that I m being myself…does that mean I don’t understand situation or not reacting in a manner she wants me to react too…or does that mean I am lost in my own world and don’t accept reality. Whatever it mean…….when that friend left me all alone…..I didn’t break down…nether did I complained….nor did I became a prone to drugs and stuff….., I just let things be as it is…..if that’s immaturity then I love it……

Often most difficult phase in life………test you, grain you, stress you but at the same time enlighten you and takes you to a new world. Most often in pain, we always blame GOD why me….why me for this pain……what have I done to deserve it????……..honestly…we don’t do anything do deserve pain. It just happens…..no one wants to be in pain intentionally…those who want to be also has some reason behind them….whatever it is the fact is no one loves to be in pain…….so now the million dollar question…..why me……………I also asked the same qus sometime back……and I got an ans…..I was chosen coz I forgot my priorities……I forgot my duties….i gave my self too much into something which was not required…….i lost touch with my inner self….didn’t bother to look beyond that particular thing in life….finally I paid the price for it……….today even though that void is still there…but I m no more in pain…..the reason being……i didn’t run away from my pain……….initially I use to wonder…how will I live and survive………..i use to cry and use to be lost in my own world……….but then one day somehow the power to fight it out prevail…the thought of not letting my pain and agony over power me, crept into my head and heart…..finally I decided that I will make friends with my pain and agony and try and enjoy the moments when I m in pain. So now when ever I m in pain and frustrated I try and enjoy the moment………is it possible to enjoy your pain??…..coz if you enjoy that moment then how can u be in pain??? Right that’s the magic…..try and transform you pain into happiness and you will find this world to be a great place………………..i always believe that when things don happens the way you want them to be…..then you must try and device a solution to make things happen the way you want them to be. I try and make things happen when they don’t go my way……..now m not scared of my pain…..when it comes….there is a fight among one half of my heart against the another….one say I should be sad and another says I should enjoy the moment……and then I try to stabilize my mind and try and think positive…………..most often then not I succeed. But there are times when I don’t and the pains win…the agony comes back….but it usually is short live coz again my focus to win over pain and the challenge to not let pain win comes……so if you can master this art and reduce those days of pain and agony and not let them win…..….life will be wonderful even in worst of condition..

That day only I was reading the blog of my friend…she was a little confused and seems to be in similar situation…………………I found a strong connection between her pain and endeavor towards peace, and mine. I could easily relate to her words and situation…..i still don’t know what actually is her problem or was there any problem at all…..but then there was this strange connection which prompted me to thought………do we all think in same line when we are in pain……….or is just a coincidence that I came across a similar minded person. But then I read another blog of another friend of mine and I could again relate to her words and situation…..now I m little confused…it is coz I want to draw similarities or its coz we all think in similar line when we are in pains…..or it is coz we are in same situation…..what ever it is……………..this strange connection have prompted me to think beyond certain things in life and now I know….i m not the only one…..so now I don’t ask why me why me…………now I go ahead and try my best to help people in similar situation find some peace or at at least hope through my words………so that while I try and explain them the facts of life…I myself learn few…….i want to bring the smile back on the faces of my friends who are going through similar situation and tension in life………………so that I too can smile through there smile…………..hope I can be successful in this endeavor of mine………….even If I can share their pain and with my effort can bring some respite in their life……..i would believe that I have been successful.

Till then cheers to life….cheers to love….cheers to friendship………keep smiling. Life is beautiful and there more to life go beyond your limitation…….. J